Name: Amy Horowitz

Nickname: Lincoln Tunnel

Voted Most Likely To Become A Famous Actress Without The Aid Of Plastic Surgery To Make Her Look Pretty

President of the Puffy Eyes Brigade - Member of the Secret Abortion Club – Member of Red-Headed Jews United

Quote: “Jesus built my hotrod, but not a faith based on fact. Son of god, my ass.”

Special Note To The Photographer: If you hurry, you might just be able to get your old job back at Sears since I was recently fired for replacing the teddy bear with moonshine. According to my studies, crying kids cry a whole lot less when they’re passed out drunk and put in a box.

Faith Hill wants you to know that if you have this uncontrollable urge to punch her in the face when you see her, that she’s totally okay with it and won’t sick her Black Panther buddies on you. [BTW, I Missed]

Does this mean that Heidi Klum is now qualified to fix my sink? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Looks like some of the Spice Girls have been wearing Britney Spears’ old dresses — or as she likes to call them, “napkins”. [The Star Blogger]

It’s been exactly one year since Tom Cruise made his hostage taking official. [Celebrity Nation]

For someone named Lil’ Kim, she sure has a big head. But then I guess she’d have to since she’s got a whole lot of ugly to carry around. [That Grape Juice]

Amy Winehouse is being criticized for glamourizing cocaine by parading around at 80 pounds with missing teeth. [In Case You Didn’t Know]

Britney Spears will be spending her Thanksgiving in *snort* Miley Cyrus’ bathroom. [Hollywood Backwash]

Britney Spears has hired a private detective to dig up dirt on her ex-husband K-Fed. Cue the backhoe. [Dlisted]

Did you know that the American Music Awards were on last night? I didn’t, but that’s probably because I was too busy sleeping through “Desperate Housewives” and “Brothers & Sisters”. [Bizzom]

And finally, here’s the one highlight from last night’s American Music Awards. If you find yourself still watching after the guy trips and falls, then I think I may know why the kids in the school keep beating you up.

In case you were wondering why she didn’t show up for her shots this week, here’s Pamela Anderson in Las Vegas yesterday serving vegetarian turkey to an unsuspecting public who obviously thought that a PETA dinner involved some kind of meat in a flat bread.

Stupid public. Of course, the meat being dished out was fake — look who was serving it. Do you see anything not fake about her? Now go get yourself tested for Hepatitis C before you go home and give it to the kids. You may need their kidneys one day.

Editor’s Note: Today’s headline was inspired by “F For Fake“, a film by the great Orson Welles. He ate turkeys in one swallow, not to mention the occasional Turk. Poor Telly.

Hugh Grant –- an actor best known for trying not to cry when I beat him up last week* — made a cool $20 million last night after Christie’s auctioned off his Andy Warhol screen print of Elizabeth Taylor to an anonymous buyer (ok, me) for $23.7 million.

*he stole me teddy.

From Telegraph.co.uk:

The 1963 screen print entitled “Liz (Colored Liz”) sold for $23.7million (£11.85 million) to an anonymous buyer, six years after Grant bought it for $3.6 million.

Despite the huge appreciation, the selling price fell below the $25 million to $35 million estimate set by the auction house Christie’s and the work attracted only two bidders.

If reading this story makes you mad, then good. You should be fucking mad. Because while you spent the past six years working your ass off for such glamorous things as food and shelter, Hugh Grant – an actor who’s at least ten years past his prime – was sitting around on his ass, napping under an Andy Warhol painting that was appreciating at approximately $9,132 a day. You know, what I make.

So keep those donations coming! Thanks to your support, I’ve almost got that debilitating case of assholetitis beat!

Suckers. I mean, fuckers.

Editor’s Note: Here’s some pictures of Elizabeth Hurley instead of that bastard Hugh Grant. As many of you know, she dated Hugh back in the 90’s while he dated prostitutes and women with noses that didn’t carry the risk of accidentally blinding him one day.

Natalie Portman may be an award-winning actress with a degree from Harvard in Jodie Fosterism — an area of study also known as “I’m a rich & famous actress, now give me my fucking diploma for all the free publicity” — but that still doesn’t mean she’s not a spotlight-sucking whore like the rest of young Hollywood.

Case in point, her decision to wear an exceptionally short dress to the premiere of her new film “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” in a color that is often associated with radioactive vaginas that glow in the dark and other things that may be pink and too hot to touch (e.g. a poorly cooked ham, a torch made out of cotton candy, a newborn baby girl fresh from the microwave, the soundtrack to “Grease 2”, etc.).

I believe it’s a color often referred to as “hot pink” by the Crayola family and, if I remember correctly, “fucking whore” by mine.

“Look Daddy, I made this picture of Mommy in a pretty dress.”

“Very nice, Erich. Your mom’s a fucking whore.”

Ok, so maybe my memory’s a little fuzzy. I was quite the heavy drinker back then.

Special Note to Dustin Hoffman: Smooth, man, real smooth.