Kid Rock and his equally smelly entourage were charged with simple battery over the weekend after they were arrested for fighting inside an Atlanta waffle house.*

*not made of actual waffles.

From People:

Police say Kid Rock stopped by a restaurant early Sunday after their show, and a male customer recognized a female in Rock’s entourage. Words were exchanged, and a fight ensued, the station reports.

After police were called, the singer’s tour bus was pulled over, and he and the members of his entourage were arrested. In addition to Rock’s arrest, the male customer also has been charged with a felony for allegedly smashing a window of the restaurant.

According to FOX, Kid Rock posted $1,000 bail and was released Sunday evening from DeKalb County jail, signing autographs on his way out.

Wow, do wonders never cease? I would’ve never thought in a million years that one day I would be writing a story about Kid Rock being arrested for some type of scuffle inside a 24-hour waffle house. It just doesn’t sound like him at all.

For a man of such grace and intelligence, I would’ve thought that a more likely scenario would’ve involved Sir Kid Rock in a duel-implying altercation with another well-tuxedoed gentleman at Le Che Mon Gracias, an upscale restaurant in the heart of the theater distract. An altercation that would’ve ended with only stern declarations of “Sir!” and “Why I never!” and not tales of battery coupled with drunk tanks and bail.

I guess, in the end, we only have the current state of rock music to blame for Kid Rock’s uncharacteristic antics. Or is that rap music? What the fuck does this guy do again?

Say what you will about Eva Longoria, but you have to admit she cleans photoshops up well. Although I guess one could argue that Bebe Sport could have easily gotten the same effect from an exceptionally tan mannequin, given that Eva’s expression here is about as vacant as my upcoming funeral.

Yes, sadly, I’ve been diagnosed with assholetitis. My doctor says I have about six months to a year before someone beats me to death.

Editor’s Note: So, am I to assume that Bebe Sport is trying to appeal to Scientologists with this ad. Because I honestly can’t see myself using this stuff unless I was in space. Or married to Roger Vadim.

Eva Mendes isn’t wearing a bra because she’s dressed like a man. I know, I know — that sentence was like an emotional rollercoaster. [Eva Mendes Does Gotham]

Avril Lavigne whores it up for her new music video by being herself. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Keira Knightley is currently shooting “The Duchess” in London. No, it’s actually more boring than it sounds. [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears is obsessed with Princess Diana and her untimely death during World War Vietnam. [Hollywood Backwash]

If Jennifer Hudson ever blew me a kiss, I’d start to salivate at the smell of bacon. It’s delicious! [Dlisted]

Was Vanessa Hudgens fired from Disney because she was naked in those photos or because she wasn’t wearing any mouse ears? [The Naked Celebrity]

So this is the woman who claims that Lindsay Lohan stole her fiance? Damn, she’s lucky she didn’t lose him earlier to an old bag lady or an escaped bear. Bitch is ugly. [The Star Blogger]

Hilary Swank is going to complete her lesbian trifecta by playing Amelia Earhart. [Celebrity Nation]

Nick Nolte still hasn’t named his new baby yet. I’m guessing it’s because he’s been too busy working — on that keg in the basement. A keg named Isabelle. [Celebrity Baby Names]

And finally, here’s Ellen DeGeneres crying about dogs or something. I really don’t know since I prefer to only watch lesbians when they’re naked and kissing each other.

Public nuisance Oprah Winfrey wants the world to know that it was an overactive thyroid that caused her to gain an extra 20 pounds this year and not her love for sweet, sweet bacon.

From The Associated Press:

“My body was turning on me,” she says in the October issue of O, the Oprah magazine. “First hyperthyroidism, which sped up my metabolism and left me unable to sleep for days. (Most people lose weight. I didn’t.)”

“Then hypothyroidism, which slowed down my metabolism and made me want to sleep all the time. (Most people gain weight. I did! Twenty pounds!)”

Hyperthyroidism can also cause a fast heartbeat, among other symptoms; hypothyroidism, the opposite condition, can result in fatigue and weakness.

Winfrey, exhausted and stressed, took a month-long break in Hawaii to regain her health.

So if that’s her excuse for being fat, what’s her excuse for being so god damn annoying? An overactive sanctimonious gland? That sure would explain why she thinks she’s so much better than the rest of us. And who knows, she might very well be. Because I know that if I had all that money and syndicated television fame, my girls school would be more like a brothel and Dr. Phil’s corpse would be fertilizing my garden right now. Oh yeah, and I’d probably start an organization to help people called the avenging angel network because, you know, most people are assholes and need to be taught a lesson.

Editor’s Note: Here’s Britney Spears because, well , we just don’t see enough of her and I would love to watch her wrestle Oprah one day.

“Hi! I’m Tom Welling from TV’s Smallville. Could someone please tell me how I can connect my laptop to the dead hooker in my bathtub? She won’t go sucky-sucky anymore.”

Editor’s Answer: Try the USB port, you handsome man.