Here’s Britney Spears spending some time with her two kids earlier this week. I don’t see her court-appointed parenting coach / animal trainer anywhere in these pictures so I’m just going to automatically assume that Britney ate her and stole her boots. At least then we’d have some kind of explanation as to why she’s dressed like that while playing with children.

Take that purply little number, for example. I’m betting it was much longer before that damn parenting coach ripped it to shreds during the fight to save herself from Britney’s digestive tract. And those boots? Well, it sure beats those flip-flops she was wearing earlier. I mean, how the hell is Britney supposed to play with her kids in that parking lot if she’s always stepping on broken glass and running too slow to dodge traffic. After all, nothing puts an end to playtime faster than infection and death — and Charlie Sheen when he forgets the safe word.

Editor’s Note: Blah, blah, blah, bring on the weekend. Preferably one that’s Britney-free.

Remember Britney Spears’ brilliant VMA performance from a couple weeks ago? Well, apparently the backup dancers that had to lift her fat ass and endure her foul odor haven’t been fully paid yet since Britney is oblivious to everything but food, drugs, and more food and drugs.

From Page Six:

“The dancers were paid for the actual show and some of the rehearsals, but not all of them,” an insider told Us Weekly. Spears dropped her management team, The Firm, and according to the mag, “Her management usually pays the dancers.” Spears also “ignored” the court-appointed parenting coach assigned to monitor her visits with her sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Spears’ coach has asked a judge to order her to show up to her office because, she “refuses to pay attention to her.”

This is perfect. With Britney ignoring everything from backup dancers to parenting coaches, it’s only a matter of time before she begins to ignore more important things like “Beware of Dog” signs and poison labels. Maybe even breathing too, if we’re all really lucky and she’s as lazy as I think she is.

Of course, you may want to pray that she begins to ignore her need for oxygen long before such things as stop signs and pedestrians or she might accidentally kill you one day and barbecue your corpse. They do that with road kill, you know, those Louisiana natives. That’s why me and Whoopi Goldberg try to stay out of the Deep South. Well, that and warrants.

Now I guess I could go ahead and search throughout the internet for the reason why actress Mena Suvari is currently sporting a haircut usually reserved for creepy middle-aged men who live with their mothers or rape victims who’ve finally had enough, but that would mean actual work and I’m much too drunk this morning for that.

So instead, I’m just going to call Mena a lesbian and urge you all to run before she tries to eat your vagina. Or sell you a lifetime subscription to Butch Weekly.

Editor’s Note: I think more women should dress like this when using their exercise ball. Or at least while taking their morning powerwalks. Think of the money they could make!

Here’s Marie Osmond fainting at the end of her performance on “Dancing with the Stars” earlier tonight. I hope you all laugh at her as hard as the audience did.

Editor’s Note: Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: what was I doing watching “Dancing with the Stars” tonight when I should have been watching something manly like “Prison Break”? Well, if you must know, I originally sat down with my many beers to watch Monday Night Football, but totally forgot that it’s no longer on ABC.

So instead of wasting precious strength on moving my thumb around to change the channel, I decided to simply try and make “Dancing with the Stars” disappear by chugging as many beers as I could in an effort to pass out. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, but hey, at least Marie Osmond passed out.

I wonder, does that make me E.T. now?

Just a quick reminder to let everyone know that “Nip/Tuck” begins its new season on Oct. 30.

Also, in other news, you’ll be happy to know that it appears that the pimps and the college professors have finally laid their long-running feud to rest.

Viva la peace!