Chronic pain in the ass Paris Hilton has apparently taken a liking to 22-year-old Alex Vaggo, a Swedish tourist she met near a hostel in Hollywood.

Wonderful.

From Page Six:

“The hostel is $27 a night and they shove in six people to a room. But in the morning there are all the pancakes you can eat. Our friend introduced him to Paris and she immediately took a liking to him. He’s very hot. He’s living much better now.” Hilton is apparently so taken with Vaggo, she’s introducing him to Ford Models scouts this week. Meanwhile, Paris is no longer represented by damage-control specialist Mike Sitrick, who handled her after her release from jail for parole violation, when she turned over a new leaf and started doing “charity work.” Her new rep, Lori Glass Berk, said of the Swedish stud, “They are just friends.”

According to my babysitter as a kid – Mrs. Moviestelevsion – Swedish people basically fall into two groups: those with big breasts and those with big muscles. I don’t know why this is, but I do know that if you ever find yourself in a jam you can’t get out of, calling in “The Swede” is usually your best option.

Unless, of course, the Swede you’re calling in is named Alex Vaggo. Then you’re pretty much fucked, as the only thing he’s going to bring to your situation is a swarm of paparazzi and herpes.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he takes a good look at the blog he’s been writing for the past two years and realizes that most of the women on it disgust him to no end.

Take Britney Spears for example.

For someone who would rather fuck an obese AIDS-ridden porcupine on fire, I sure do post a lot of pictures of her fat ass and often find myself getting rather physically ill in the process. A feeling that I’m sure you’re all quite familiar with given that I’ve been chronicling her demise almost daily and you guys just keep coming back for more, more, more…how do you like it, how do you like it…more, more, more.

Therefore, in an effort to tip the scales of superficial beauty back in our favor, I’ve decided that from now on, I’m going to dedicate at least one post a day to a celebrity who doesn’t immediately make me dry heave like a heroin addict after a failed three-hour tour.

And when I say “a celebrity”, I basically mean “a woman who’s probably not wearing a lot of clothes”. And when I say “a woman who’s probably not wearing a lot of clothes”, I mean “a woman THAT I PERSONALLY FIND ATTRACTIVE who’s probably not wearing a lot of clothes” and NOT some whore* that you and your cousin Bob find particularly purty.

*Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton would be perfect examples of this.

So, without further adieu, I give you the first celebrity who is more attractive than you – actress Erica Durance. She plays Lois Lane on TV’s Smallville and often parades around like this:

I hope you all approve.

Editor’s Note: I’m sure you’ve already done this, but if you haven’t, you need to click on Erica’s new Maxim centerfold (above) and read her quote in the lower right hand corner. It will only make you love her more.

Here’s a picture of Nicole Richie wading through the Pacific in search of a cheeseburger. You know, because she’s fat. Or, as some may say, pregnant. Which I’m still not sure about since I find it hard to believe that someone would actually stick his/her penis in her.

I mean, it’s not there isn’t other places in the world where one can stick one’s penis and still have a good time. Take your co-worker’s coffee mug for example. Or his/her mouth that’s always yapping. Those both sound like a lot of fun, don’t they? And hey, I bet you’ll even walk away with a raise at the end of the day too. Or maybe, if you’re really lucky, a cool box to put all your stuff in. Stuff like, say, your penis. See, there’s another one.

Editor’s Note: And lest we forget this photograph taken just over a year ago. Oh, okay, now I see it. It does look like it would be fun to stick your penis in her. Kind of like playing “Don’t Break The Ice” but instead, you try not to break her pelvic region or ribs. For ages 8 to adult.

And by “special”, I mean “don’t give her anything she’s not supposed to eat or bang her head against”.

Editor’s Note: I’ve looked at this photograph for a while now and I still can’t figure out what the hell this guy is giving her. A ball of tin foil perhaps? Because that would explain why she’s so happy and why I can’t find mine. And if that is mine, then she needs to seriously give it back before I throw a tantrum and invade the Middle East. Hey, don’t judge me; I was born this way. It’s what “we” do.

TMZ is reporting that Dennis Rodman may be in trouble with the Orange County Sheriff’s Department after he slapped a woman on the ass and left a mark.

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned the Orange County Sheriff’s Department is investigating the incident, which allegedly took place at Hennessy’s Tavern in Dana Point, near Laguna Beach. One source says the ex-basketball star allegedly slapped the woman’s rear so hard, it left a “major mark.”

Jim Amormino, a spokesperson for the O.C. Sheriff, told TMZ, “Officers did respond to an incident involving a man and a woman. A police report was taken, and is currently with the sex crime unit of the Sheriff’s department.”

If this woman was smart, she’d just drop the charges and forget about it. Unless, of course, she wants to waste the next couple of months trying to convince law enforcement officials and a possible jury that, one, Dennis Rodman is still alive, and two, he slapped her ass instead of the handsome guy next to her.

Also, in Rodman’s defense, I’m sure he was aiming for her face, but missed because he was drunk and had some guy’s cock in his mouth. I know. I saw the whole thing.

Editor’s Note: Instead of posting some bullshit Rodman poses, I decided to give you pictures of Carmen Electra getting a new tattoo on her wrist last week. Apparently she misses all the marks she used to have there.