Holy shit, the Emmys were boring last night. I’m so glad I didn’t decide to live blog them like I did last year or I’d probably be dead right now. And not because I would’ve tried to hang myself after the first five minutes either. No, my life is much too awesome to go out like that.

Instead, I would’ve most likely been assassinated (yes, I am that important) by a team of FOX censors sent to my house after reading things like “Ryan Seacrest is only hosting the awards because they’re on FOX this year” or “Whatever happened to Anchorwoman?” on this innocuous little blog of mine.

Don’t believe me? Then perhaps you should ask Sally Field about them. They did, after all, cut her (head?) off for using the words “god damn” in her anti-war speech last night. Man, who would have thought a bunch of cocksuckers would be so uptight. I mean, come on, they suck cock, for crying out loud. Shit like that’s so far off the grid, it’s not even covered in the Bible.

Editor’s Note: Because Matthew Perry looks like a FOX censor, that’s why.