As someone who has seen every episode of “Smallville” at least once, I can honestly say that I absolutely despise the character of Lana Lang. She is, without a doubt, the biggest and most clueless whiner since that fickle bitch Winnie Cooper ruined poor Kevin Arnold and his wonder years. In fact, sometimes I just want to reach through the television and shake her like a crying baby. But then I remember, hey, it’s just a television show and bandaged hands make it almost impossible to wipe my own ass. Or is that easier? I forget.

Special Note to Kristin Kreuk: Put that ice cream down. Ice cream is for closers, not whiners.