“American Idol” judges Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and “Tipsy” Abdul have issued an open call to Britney Spears in an effort to reach out and manage her career before she permanently stains it with Cheetos.

From Fox News:

“We have decided we can bring Britney back,” the normally caustic Cowell confirmed. “We are serious. We plan to buy her underpants, get her bigger shorts to perform in and get her away from her stupid friends.”

And while many believe that Brit has already burned her career, the rocking reality judges just think it is another point on her publicity page.

“MTV ratings are up and all we’re hearing is Britney, Britney, Britney!” Simon said. “She can turn it around.”

“We always have time for Britney, we love her,” added Paula.

So Brit baby, if you are listening we suggest you give these guys a call…

“We’d love to take care of you Spears!” Randy roared. “We will make you a superstar again!”

Ok, I am absolutely convinced that the only reason Simon Cowell wants to manage Britney’s career is because he got a cattle prod for Christmas last year and he’s looking for a reason to finally use it. The man’s got more money than that guy who’s always going around saying that he’s got more money than God. He doesn’t need this bullshit, unless he can have loads of fun poking at it and watching it scream.

Personally, I think this was all Paula Abdul’s idea so she and Britney can take turns picking each other up off the ground. Nothing says I’m a responsible alcoholic more than having a friend by your side to collect your teeth when you hit the bathroom floor.

As for Randy Jackson’s motive, I can sum that up in just five words. More fat-on-fat hugs.