Yes, you read the headline right. I, Erich von Stroheim, want to marry Hilary Swank. Although to be perfectly honest, I’m not exactly sure why. I think it might be because she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Or maybe it’s because she’s blessed with this wonderful personality that you just can’t help but fall in love with.

Hilary Swank, will you make me the happiest man on earth and be my wife? Please?

Editor’s Note: You know, it’s funny. Ten minutes ago, I could have sworn that I hated Hilary Swank. In fact, I think that’s why I was going to post this picture – to mock her for being a two-time Oscar winning actress and the love of my life. Wait, what?

Damn these headaches, I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore. All I keep seeing is swirling and swirling and swirling and tits and swirling and swirling and more tits and…