Kim Basinger showed up at some ball in Germany last night looking like a princess who just spent the last thirty years in traffic. But hey, at least she made it. Which is good because I often like to masturbate to old lady arms and there’s been quite a shortage since Brett Somers died.

Editor’s Note: When asked why she was so late, Kim Basinger blamed the long line outside of Studio 54 that was blocking traffic and the mean communist guards that wouldn’t let her into East Berlin.

After weeks of speculation and concrete evidence, an actor close to Heroes’ co-stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia (see?) has denied rumors that the two are romantically involved and thinks that we should all just “let it go, and respect their privacy.” Which means, of course, that the two of them are romantically involved and this guy thinks we’re all fucking idiots.

From People:

“The rumor is not true,” costar James Kyson Lee, who plays Ando, told PEOPLE at Tuesday’s Lift Up America Meet Me in Miami premiere in Hollywood. “Let’s just end it there.”

He added about the romance talk: “I think we were just surprised because they’re 12 years apart – for people to even conceive that. I know there have been a lot of jokes, Hayden turning 18 and whatnot. At some point, you just have to let it go, and respect their privacy.”

I know this might come as a great shock to you, but I could honestly care less about whether or not these two are dating. What I do care about, however, are people lying to me. And, I guess, the high price of gasoline.

So, as a result, I will not be driving cross-country to kick this guy’s ass. Instead, I think I’m just going to send him a package to teach him a lesson. A package that I hope he opens up in front of his children so they, too, can learn a lesson and I can justify the cost of spending ten bucks on a book called “Sally & The Lie That Ate Her Whole Town”. Plus tax. And shipping.

Editor’s Note: That concrete evidence I was talking about:

Evan Rachel Wood? That’s no name for a whore. [Bizzom]

Dita Von Teese lends her pasty body to an ad campaign for animal birth control. You know, because she hates animals. [Popbytes]

Keifer Sutherland gets a DUI for blowing twice the legal limit of .08. Dude, you’re such a fucking disappointment. Next time you get pulled over, it better be a .24 or I’m watching “Heroes”. [City Rag]

Geez Hayden, who the hell taught you to get out of a car like that? The Pope? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Elton John has been accused of having a piece of child pornography in his art collection. Which I guess is infinitely better than being accused of having a Van Gogh in your child pornography collection. Pedophiles don’t take to kindly to that shit. [Hollywood Snark]

Paris Hilton vows to never do Letterman again. The show, not the man. [Dlisted]

Joe Simpson has finally confirmed that his daughter has had plastic surgery. Can you guess which one? Here’s a hint: both of them. [Celebrity Nation]

David Beckham poses nude for Tom Cruise’s favorite magazine. No, not “Playgirl”. The other one. [Celebridiot]

And finally, here’s Britney Spears being bombarded by paparazzi as she uses the public restroom at Quiznos. Or is it Quizno’s. Because I often see advertisements for Quizno’s subs, but everyone I know calls it Quiznos, not Quizno. Do you understand what I’m saying here? Britney Spears is boring.

I know I often mock Britney Spears for being a complete fucking idiot, but today I’m going to have to pay her a compliment.

So, Britney, here it is:

Those drugs really bring out the blue in your fake contacts.

Editor’s Note: If you’re wondering why I’m waving right now, it’s because I’m trying to get Britney’s attention. Sure, I may be on the east coast and she on the west, but I’m pretty sure she can see me with eyes like that.

Unfortunately, there’s about 6000 KFC restaurants between here and LA, so she’s probably quite distracted at the moment. Perhaps if I try waving with a drumstick in my hand. No? Well, then how about this crack pi…oh yeah, that did it.

Here’s Kanye West telling everybody that he is “the #1 human being in music” after appearing on “The Wendy Williams Experience” – a radio gossip show that obviously originates from some kind of fancy bar that serves champagne to black people. Which is quite startling since I’m almost positive that champagne is strictly reserved for old white guys in tuxedos.

But hey, I guess when you’re “the #1 human being in music”, your genius just transcends the social norm and you’re allowed to do whatever the hell you want. Like make a complete drunken fool of yourself on VH1. Or bitch and moan like an irate cheerleader who just lost Nationals and started her period on the same day. Don’t cry, Kanye. There’s always next year. And menopause.

Editor’s Tip For Kanye West: Use a mirror next time instead of a camera. That way, you’ll all be in agreement.