But at least he’s got himself a hickey. And a sling blade. Mmmm hmmm.

Editor’s Note: Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade.

In case you missed it, here’s the first part of Diane Sawyer’s interview with Nicole Richie that aired earlier today on “Good Morning America”. In it, she talks about what a dumbass she is and gleefully confirms that she and Joel Madden are indeed pregnant. Which, to be honest, really isn’t news since Joel’s double chin told me that about two months ago.

What? Did you honestly think Nicole was carrying this baby? At her weight, she couldn’t even carry a tune. Seriously, one hum or whistle and she’d be passed out on the floor from exhaustion or dehydration or whatever else these celebrities like to call it when they “forgot” to eat that day.

Editor’s Note: According to ABC, the second part of this interview will air on “Good Morning America” tomorrow and on 20/20 later that night. Look for that part to contain 5 % fewer lies from her and about 4 % fewer eye rolls from you.

I’m not exactly sure, but I think the last time I saw Penelope Cruz was at the Vatican. She was hogtied naked and screaming something about Thetans or Theodore Huxtable or something like that. Again, I’m not exactly sure. I do know that it was about two weeks after her breakup with Tom Cruise so the Catholics were probably just deprogramming her in their continuing effort to stop the rolling juggernaut that is Scientology. I wish I could go into greater detail, but I’d really hate to lose my job here washing the sacrificial floors. These walls have ears. Literally.

Editor’s Note: Oh yeah, and Penelope Cruz is a bicycle thief because I once saw this black and white film about Europeans and that’s exactly what they did. They stole each other’s bicycles. And talked funny. But not like “ha ha” funny. It was more like the “I don’t understand a word they’re saying, am I having a stroke?” funny.

Editor’s Note Dos: Sorry, but my computer only let me post one more picture of Penelope. They’re so smart these days.