Hilary Duff, the star of a bunch of things I would rather burn than watch, made two little girls cry last week after she snubbed them at a Texas restaurant with her family.

Bitch, party of one!

From NY Daily News:

But when word got out that the famous singer was at Pier 36 Seafood and Oyster bar, two 9-year-old girls arrived carrying posters and T-shirts and hoping for autographs.

“On their way out, the owner asked if Hilary would sign a menu for her daughter and she did,” says an insider.

But when the youngsters approached, the source says, “[Hilary] said, ‘I don’t really get to spend a lot of time with my family; sorry’ and walked out the door.

“She made one of the little girls cry.”

Come on, Hilary, if you have time to create an online profile for your dog, then surely you have time to sign a few autographs and thank these little girls for making you such a stuck-up bitch. After all, if it wasn’t for them, no one – aside from maybe the stuffed animals who often marvel at the way you sing into that brush – would know about you and I would probably be off gardening right now instead of writing this shit.

So yeah, thanks a lot, you fucking nine-year-olds, I may never get my tomatoes planted in time now.

Just a quick update to let everyone know that Suri Cruise – the carbon-based(?) offspring of Tom Cruise(?) and Katie Holmes – is still scheduled to lead us all into the light one day and that you should please pack accordingly because each passenger will only be allowed to bring one carry-on and one guest* to brainwash.

Contrary to popular belief, most spaceships are not built like the TARDIS nor do they even exist, so please don’t look too surprised when you show up for “Mass Exodus Day” and Suri asks you to step inside what looks to be an empty refridgerator box. That’s just the teleporter that will beam you to the spaceship. Just make sure you don’t monkey around with the meticulously crayoned controls or you might accidentally end up in a Best Buy warehouse outside Topeka.

*preferably chloroformed, duct-taped, and financially drained.

Special Note to Katie Holmes: Meg Foster called. She’s wants her creepy eyes back.

Because I like to torture myself, I decided to sit down and finally watch “Marie Antoinette” tonight. As you may have already guessed, the film stars Kirsten Dunst as the aforementioned Queen of France and Jason Schwartzman as her chubby, stable-boy-banging husband Louis XVI. It was directed by Sofia Coppola, who, to be honest, has a good eye for detail and composition, but is wildy overrated as a filmmaker.

If pressed, I guess I could, in a word, best describe Sofia’s latest directorial effort as aloof and Kirsten Dunst’s performance in it as preoccupied. I could also, in a polite scream, get to the point of this entire post by saying, “Good god, I would rather stick my dick in the rotting, decapitated corpse of Marie-Antoinette herself, then shake Kirsten Dunst’s hand once or even breathe the same air as her.”

It’s like she’s a walking nightmare brought to life. A nightmare I like to call “The Homeless Republican”:

“Please sir, don’t give me any money. I have no one to blame but myself. Helping me would be like helping the terrorists. Please give that five dollars to the defense department instead. Boo!”

Editor’s Note: I’d like to personally thank George Romero and his film “Day of the Dead” for inspiring today’s headline. He makes movies without his daddy’s help.

Wow, Naomi Watts has really let herself go. Maybe it’s time she laid off the beer. [Naomi Watts Is Jolly]

Wow, Val Kilmer has really let himself go. Maybe it’s time he laid off the sperm. [Dlisted]

Wow, Christina Aguilera has really let herself go. Maybe it’s time she…what? Christina Aquilera’s pregnant? Yeah, right. And I bet Naomi Watts is “pregnant” too. Go peddle your bullshit elsewhere before I tie you to that chair and make you watch “Pregnant Albert” until Pregnant Tuesday. [The Skinny Website]

Keep partying, Lindsay, and in another ten years, you might just get a chance to star alongside Michelle Pfeiffer as her mother. [Pop Atlas]

Could Jack Lemmon be right? Is Britney Spears on the verge of another meltdown? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Tara Reid’s stomach looks like a kangaroo pouch – which I guess, in turn, makes her a kangaroo then. A very ugly kangaroo. [Celebridiot]

Winona Ryder blames her shoplifting arrest on painkillers. She wasn’t taking enough to kill herself. [Celebrity Nation]

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have bought a new compound near Oprah – complete with bear traps and scarecrows to keep cake-stealers away. [Starpulse]

And finally, here’s Nick Nolte hanging out – ok, ok, semi-conscious – on the floor of the Kauai Airport last Monday night. According to several witnesses, Nick was very friendly as he drifted in and out of consciousness [for more than two hours] and openly chatted with fans as they took pictures of him – as you can plainly see.

I can’t think of a better time to announce that I, Erich von Stroheim, endorse the candidacy of Nick Nolte for President of the United States.

Now this is just disgusting! Who do the Beckhams think they are? Better yet, where do the Beckhams think they are? This isn’t merry ol’ England that there in anymore. There are no alleyways laden with opium dens and disemboweled hookers just around the corner from this little show they put on. Nor do people throw their pots of urine out the window at poor orphans driven to a life of pick pocketing because they have the scabies or rickets. No, this is America, god dammit, and we don’t stand for this kind of perversity.

Just ask Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan. They’ve flashed their vaginas plenty of times in public, and not once did someone try to finger them. Well, ok, maybe Paris Hilton did once, but that’s only because she’s a fucking attention whore with a $5 million dollar bounty on her head. What? You didn’t hear? She’s wanted dead or comatose. Preferably comatose since then we could all gather around and pose her limp body in situations that she might find embarrassing. Like saying no to drugs at a party or having a conversation with black people as equals.

Just remember to wear gloves. Bitch got herpes.