Just a quick update to let everyone know that Suri Cruise – the carbon-based(?) offspring of Tom Cruise(?) and Katie Holmes – is still scheduled to lead us all into the light one day and that you should please pack accordingly because each passenger will only be allowed to bring one carry-on and one guest* to brainwash.

Contrary to popular belief, most spaceships are not built like the TARDIS nor do they even exist, so please don’t look too surprised when you show up for “Mass Exodus Day” and Suri asks you to step inside what looks to be an empty refridgerator box. That’s just the teleporter that will beam you to the spaceship. Just make sure you don’t monkey around with the meticulously crayoned controls or you might accidentally end up in a Best Buy warehouse outside Topeka.

*preferably chloroformed, duct-taped, and financially drained.

Special Note to Katie Holmes: Meg Foster called. She’s wants her creepy eyes back.