Because I like to torture myself, I decided to sit down and finally watch “Marie Antoinette” tonight. As you may have already guessed, the film stars Kirsten Dunst as the aforementioned Queen of France and Jason Schwartzman as her chubby, stable-boy-banging husband Louis XVI. It was directed by Sofia Coppola, who, to be honest, has a good eye for detail and composition, but is wildy overrated as a filmmaker.

If pressed, I guess I could, in a word, best describe Sofia’s latest directorial effort as aloof and Kirsten Dunst’s performance in it as preoccupied. I could also, in a polite scream, get to the point of this entire post by saying, “Good god, I would rather stick my dick in the rotting, decapitated corpse of Marie-Antoinette herself, then shake Kirsten Dunst’s hand once or even breathe the same air as her.”

It’s like she’s a walking nightmare brought to life. A nightmare I like to call “The Homeless Republican”:

“Please sir, don’t give me any money. I have no one to blame but myself. Helping me would be like helping the terrorists. Please give that five dollars to the defense department instead. Boo!”

Editor’s Note: I’d like to personally thank George Romero and his film “Day of the Dead” for inspiring today’s headline. He makes movies without his daddy’s help.