Wow, Naomi Watts has really let herself go. Maybe it’s time she laid off the beer. [Naomi Watts Is Jolly]

Wow, Val Kilmer has really let himself go. Maybe it’s time he laid off the sperm. [Dlisted]

Wow, Christina Aguilera has really let herself go. Maybe it’s time she…what? Christina Aquilera’s pregnant? Yeah, right. And I bet Naomi Watts is “pregnant” too. Go peddle your bullshit elsewhere before I tie you to that chair and make you watch “Pregnant Albert” until Pregnant Tuesday. [The Skinny Website]

Keep partying, Lindsay, and in another ten years, you might just get a chance to star alongside Michelle Pfeiffer as her mother. [Pop Atlas]

Could Jack Lemmon be right? Is Britney Spears on the verge of another meltdown? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Tara Reid’s stomach looks like a kangaroo pouch - which I guess, in turn, makes her a kangaroo then. A very ugly kangaroo. [Celebridiot]

Winona Ryder blames her shoplifting arrest on painkillers. She wasn’t taking enough to kill herself. [Celebrity Nation]

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have bought a new compound near Oprah – complete with bear traps and scarecrows to keep cake-stealers away. [Starpulse]

And finally, here’s Nick Nolte hanging out – ok, ok, semi-conscious – on the floor of the Kauai Airport last Monday night. According to several witnesses, Nick was very friendly as he drifted in and out of consciousness [for more than two hours] and openly chatted with fans as they took pictures of him – as you can plainly see.

I can’t think of a better time to announce that I, Erich von Stroheim, endorse the candidacy of Nick Nolte for President of the United States.