Only in my house, there’s a lot more punching and a lot less talking. But that’s because we’re Irish and we don’t talk so much as slur.

Editor’s Note: I’ve gone ahead and included this second video for those of you who would rather not waste eight minutes of your life watching the first one. While it doesn’t contain a flurry of expletives like that one does, it still has something worth watching with your kids anyways. Namely, a man named Evel Dick pouring ice tea over some stripper’s head. Can you say “family fun”? I know I can, but it’s going to take me a while. You know what, why don’t I just make you say “awww, you broke my fuckin’ nose!” instead. It’ll be quicker that way.

To make your Monday morning as painful as possible, I’ve decided to post this picture of Elisabeth Hasselbeck at last weekend’s Super Saturday 10 charity sale.

For those of you who are blushing right now or feeling the type of shame only suicide can cure, I regret to inform you that you are, unfortunately, susceptible to the Elisabeth Hasselbeck gaze of judgment and derision. That is to say that you most likely spent your weekend banging someone of the same sex or having an abortion and now she’s making you regret it. You’re such a disappointment.

If, however, you just took one look at this picture and laughed – and really, how could you not – then you, my friend, have a lot in common with me and we should really start hanging out together. Think of all the fun we could have helping the homeless, mingling with minorities, peacefully inspecting countries for WMD, and wearing skirts above the knee. And all while Elisabeth watches us from behind her white picket fence, waving her finger and telling us to “go to confession” before we “burst into flames” because “S-E-X” is “for baby making only” and “that black guy is going to steal your wallet if you’re not careful”.

Editor’s Note: Okay, so maybe this picture isn’t exactly the perfect example of Elisabeth’s gaze of judgment and derision. But that’s probably because it’s much harder for her to be a bitch when she’s stoned.

Kelly Clarkson went shopping for lingerie in LA yesterday. No, wait, I mean Kelly Carlson. Whew, that was a close one. [Kelly Clarkson Is Not Kelly Carlson]

Madonna may have bigger muscles than I do, but that’s only because I’m a little too dependent on my helper monkey at the moment. [The Skinny Website]

Lindsay Lohan wants the world to know that she’s innocent and does not do drugs. I, on the other hand, want the world to know that I am not innocent and often do drugs while piloting my spaceship. One of these statements is false. Go ahead and guess which one. Harder than you thought, huh? [Celebridiot]

Jessica Alba has finally dumped her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. Probably because he kept eating all the sandwiches. [Bizzom]

Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here comes Britney’s new nervous breakdown. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Courtney Love is going to have more plastic surgery. Hopefully this time they’ll get around to removing her penis. And I think you all know what that means. Penis up for grabs! [Derek Hail]

Something Angelina Jolie is depressed about: the box office flop of her new movie “A Mighty Heart”. Something Angelina Jolie is not depressed about: fucking Brad Pitt on enormous piles of money in the south of France. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Nicole Richie is going to sit down with Diane Sawyer and talk about how her pregnancy helped her with her eating disorder. Mainly, she was afraid of throwing up the fetus. [Celebrity Nation]

It’s nice to know that someone out there hates Julia Stiles as much as I do. She’s just so…so ugly. Even when standing next to Matt Damon. [Dlisted]

And finally, some video footage of Beyonce falling down a set of stairs at a recent concert. I blame beer.

With Lindsay Lohan now back in rehab after yesterday’s DUI arrest, I thought I’d take a look back at the last two weeks and try to figure out what went so horribly wrong once she left Promises on July 13th.

First up, this picture of Lindsay attending an AA meeting on the very same day she “successfully” completed her 45-day stint at Promises. In hindsight, I’m beginning to think that this meeting began with “Hi, I’m Lindsay…” and ended with “…and I’m an alcoholic. Could somebody please toss me a beer so I can get my groove on?”

Next up…

…Lindsay attending another AA meeting three days later. See how happy she is now? That’s because she brought her own beer this time. Two forties – one for her and one for her English co-star from “The Parent Trap”, which, as luck would have it, would also be her.

Moving on…

…to later that night when Lindsay was spotted outside of Club Winston in a hat that looked suspiciously capable of holding a lot of vomit. Draw your own conclusions if you must, but I’m pretty sure that hat was never heard from again.

And the hits just keep on coming…

…to the next day when Lindsay shows up at her hairdresser’s place wearing an alcohol-monitoring bracelet on her ankle. Was she afraid she might crack and start chugging the hairspray? Of course not. She had plenty of gin in the car.

More you say? Well, alright…

Four days later, Lindsay hits the beach in Malibu and is photographed with a can of Coke in her hand. While the paparazzi laugh at the irony of it all, Lindsay smiles back because the can is filled with nothing but rum.

Okay, one more…

On July 22nd, Lindsay discovers Vitamin Water at the Polaroid House, but doesn’t find it “vitaminy” enough without vodka. A common complaint.

And finally…

…Lindsay gets busted for drunk driving [again] and is booked on a series of charges that could fetch her up to six years in jail. It turns out her alcohol-monitoring bracelet was filled with nothing but tic-tacs and Visine. I fucking knew it.

Mystery solved.

According to media outlets everywhere, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning on suspicion of drunk driving. This marks the second time in less than three months that the freckled cokehead redhead has been busted for driving under the influence – she was just booked last week for a lovely hit and run crash that occurred over Memorial Day weekend – and also brings to an end her impressive 58-day streak of driving drunk without being caught.

From People:

Her attorney said Lohan, recently released from rehab, had “relapsed” and was receiving “medical care.”

The actress, 21, was searched in the police station and a “small” amount of cocaine was found in her pocket, says Santa Monica police spokesman Lt. Alex Padilla.

But wait, that’s not all. Lindsay was also booked for possession of cocaine, transporting a narcotic into a custody facility and driving on a suspended license. Wow, this whole “Christmas in July” thing really seems to be catching on. Thanks St. LAPD.

More From People:

Two Breathalyzer tests determined Lohan’s blood-alcohol level was .12 percent and .13 (the legal limit is .08). She also took a urine test, and may face an additional charge of driving under the influence of a controlled substance if cocaine is found in her system, Padilla says.

And what did Lindsay’s attorney have to say about all this?

Again, From People:

“Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease,” Lohan’s attorney, Blair Berk, said in a statement. “Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care.”

And what did I have to say about all this?

Not From People:

With all these celebrity arrests lately, someone should seriously think about putting together some kind of demolition derby for charity. What better way to feed the hungry and cloth the homeless than to charge fifty bucks a head to see a drunk Lindsay Lohan smash into a drunk Paris Hilton as Nicole Richie struggles to stay awake long enough to ram George Michael who is slumped over his wheel unconscious. Think of the all the death and mayhem it would cause to people who actually deserve it. And really, in what other venue would you get a chance to see Mel Gibson call Haley Joel Osment “sugartits”?

Editor’s Note: What’s the old adage? The bigger something is, the funnier it is? For posterity…