Christina Aguilera attended a news conference in Shanghai yesterday in an effort to convince the Chinese to buy her latest CD – a plan that might have actually worked had she simply kept her enormous breasts under wraps and just let her bright red lipstick do the talking. Because while the Chinese government absolutely adores the color red, they absolutely do not adore the sight on their citizens parading around with raging hard-ons. It is, after all, not America.

Hopefully though, these poor sexually charged souls were not executed for their indiscretions and were allowed to use their hard-earned money to buy her new CD instead of pointless things like birth control. Because that would just be awesome for the world. And for Meg Ryan since a bigger selection is always better.

Editor’s Note: Hey Christina, could you hold that mic a little lower so we can hear what your breasts have to say? Ah, it mustn’t be working. Here, try my penis.