If you ever wanted to say something bad about Jessica Simpson, now’s the time to do it. She’s not strapped. [Jessica Simpson Is A Dirty Communist]

Kelly Clarkson wants to be a healthy roll model, which I think is just great. Wait, what do you mean role model? That’s not gonna work. [The Skinny Website]

Usher is expecting his first child. Let’s hope he’s not on steroids. [Bizzom]

Posh Beckham has purchased a $500,000 machine that scans what you’re wearing and then allows you to view a full 360-degree picture of yourself. And this, my friends, is exactly how Posh is going to die as long as that damn Sarah Connor stops messing with the future. [Dlisted]

Britney Spear’s topless? Gasp! Why I never. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

If Lindsay Lohan was really that coked up during her car crash, then why didn’t she just run home instead? [TMZ]

Who doesn’t love their gossip in Spanish? Ok, besides probably Hitler. [Farandulista]

Britney Spears has turned down an offer to sing with Cyndi Lauper because she would actually have to sing instead of lip-sync. Kind of like that time I turned down an offer to sleep with Cyndi Lauper because she actually wanted me to sleep than fuck her brains out. And really, which one of us could resist that temptation? [Celebrity Nation]

Well, here’s a first: Gwen Stefani’s baby actually looks drunker than she does. [Buzznet]

And finally, speaking of drunks, here’s John Stamos doing his best impression of Danny DeVito on some Australian talk show. You know, as time goes by, I can’t help but think that that house was filled with a lot more than just bad actors.

Paris Hilton appeared on “Larry King Live” earlier tonight and I, amazingly enough, sat through her entire interview without once screaming, “Oh Jesus, make it stop!” and lighting myself on fire. A true testament, I guess, to my incredible strength of will and my brother’s incredible use of chloroform and rope.*

*[Ha, ha, ha, good one, Sammy. The decatheter was an especially nice touch, and thoughtful too.]

So since I was forced to watch this interview, and you, I pray, did not, I’ve decided to take the most interesting parts and edit it them all together into one short video for your enjoyment and/or cause of suicide. I hope you enjoy it and/or die.

Hey, it’s a start.

Editor’s Note: Yep, that’s right. Instead of spending my evening cutting together my sister’s wedding video from ten years ago or creating that “best of” reel featuring my sexual encounters with all the Jessicas in Hollywood, I decided to do this. Shithead, thy name is me.

Who’s Michelle Marsh, you ask? Damn if I know, but apparently, she’s someone who believes that her hands are a whole lot bigger than they actually are. Which, as you can see, can be quite embarrassing at times.

Not that she needs to know any of this, of course. All she needs to know is that her hands must be strong like Hulk to keep those babies from popping loose. And that her kids are totally fucked if she ever comes down with post-partum depression one day.

Ok, so supposedly Gwyneth Paltrow injured her knee recently and had to undergo knee(?) surgery to correct it. How or when this happened still remains a mystery, but that’s okay since I’m sure it’s just some big ol’ ruse anyway.

Yeah, that’s right, Gwyenth – I’m totally on to you. Sure, I may look half-retarded because I cut my own hair and drool at the sight of just about everything, but that doesn’t mean I’m not observant or drunk only half the day. I know a con when I see one, and you, my dear, are faking it.

There was never any knee injury /surgery / crying like a bitch, was there? You just concocted the whole thing so you could walk around with crutches and touch as little American soil as possible. After all, according to you, America is a dirty capitalistic society with contagions of greed and stupidity around every corner. Not that I’m disagreeing with you, mind you, but I was just wondering why you didn’t go with a wheelchair instead. They come in spoiled, privileged pink now, you know.

Being the cut-up that he is, actor Bruce Willis appeared on “The Late Show with David Letterman” last night with some kind of wind turbine on his head. Why exactly? Well, apparently so he could crack badly constructed jokes about Al Gore and his global warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth”. Because, you know, what’s funnier than making timely jokes about a movie that came out over a year ago. Oh wait, I know! Pretending that it doesn’t bother you that a twentysomething actor is banging your ex-wife when you can’t bang a twentysomething without hearing, “That’ll be a hundred bucks, Grandpa.”

Editor’s Note: With “Live Free or Die Hard” opening this Wednesday, look for Bruce Willis to continue his antics on every talk show in existence this week. Next up: dressing up as woman with a voting machine on his head to mock women’s suffrage on “The View”.