According to the always reliable Page Six, Lindsay Lohan may have been recorded doing something she shouldn’t last week by a fellow partygoer with a cellphone camera. While Page Six refuses to go into further detail about the contents of this video, most agree that it probably doesn’t show her not using coke or having sex with a woman.

From Page Six:

Apparently, all the naughtiness went down last week at a party at a private house in Beverly Hills that was also attended by her frenemy Paris Hilton, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos and Ryan Seacrest. At one point, the party was disrupted by a huge rat that ran into several rooms, causing revelers to scream, drop their drinks and run, until Niarchos kicked the rodent out onto a balcony. A rep for Lohan told Page Six, “I have not heard of this.”

So let me guess. The name of the rat Starvos Niarchos kicked out onto the balcony was Nicole Richie and he screamed like a little girl when he did it. Now that’s video footage I’d like to see. Especially if it included the part where Nicole Richie then tripped over the needle in Lindsay’s arm and went sailing over the balcony, impaling herself on the broken bones of Paris Hilton instead of those new bushes I just put in.

Special Note to Britney Spears: Those new bushes I’m talking about here – they’re for looking at, not for fornicating. So if I catch you on my property again, I may have to pump you full of lead. No, that’s not a sexual metaphor, you dumbass. It’s a threat. Oh, never mind. Just stay the fuck away from me.