If you’re reading this right now, then it means that Time Warner has finally restored some of my internet access after 48 hours of fucking me in the ass with long naps and drunken incompetence masquerading as unnecessary network upgrades and improvements. Pretty romantic, huh?

Unfortunately though, it also means that you’re now looking at yet another picture of Beyonce performing her “look-at-me, I’m-John McCain-a-puppet” dance in front of a crowd of Germans, who, given their rich history of being manipulated, should probably be offended it.

As you may have already noticed, this puppet dance of hers is very similar to her “look at me, I’m a Katrina victim” dance, which, of course, isn’t so much a dance as it is a waver around in mid-air type of thing. In fact, now that I think about it, that’s probably the dance she’s doing here. After all, what better way to entertain a crowd of Germans than to pretend you’re a dead black woman floating face down in a body of water. Yeah, ok, you got me – pretending to be a dead black Jewish woman would be better, but given Beyonce’s limited acting range, there’s no way in hell [or, as the Jews call it, Germany] she’d ever be able to pull that off.

Editor’s Note: If you’re one of those people who just likes to look at the pictures without reading all the bullshit commentary, then I’m sure you’re dying to know if Beyonce actually snorted her earring or not. Well, I’m here to tell you that I would have told you if I thought you were reading this right now.

Yeah, take that, you thoughtless little pig. These posts don’t write themselves, you know. It takes a lot of hard work coupled with scores of vodka and emotional baggage to write this shit every day. Yeah, I know. You’re not reading this either. Too bad since I really wanted to tell you that I did your mom in the butt last night, but I guess you’ll find out soon enough with Mother’s Day coming up and everything.*

*This Mother’s Day reminder brought to you by Hallmark, the maker of overpriced gift cards and those gay little teddy bears that conveniently fit inside your coffee mug.