Well, at least until June 1, 2008. Ok, 2007, ya baby.

For those wondering why, I urge you to read this post and substitute the date “May 22, 2006” with “right fucking now”. That should explain everything well enough. And if it doesn’t, well, look how much I’m caring right now.

FIN

Britney Spears posted a letter on her official site earlier today, thanking all those who have prayed for her (clearly not me). She writes:

The reason for this letter is to let everyone know that their prayers have truly helped me. I am so blessed that you care enough about me to be concerned and will continue to live in this brighter state with all of you by my side during this trying time. We are all lights of the world and we all need to continuously inspire others and look to the higher power. You are all in my prayers. Godspeed.

Love, Britney

Raise your hand if you think that this “brighter state” Britney is referring to is actually the state of California. Now raise your other hand if you think that your life is going to be infinitely better now that Britney’s praying for you. Ok, now get down on your knees and lay face down on the ground. You’re under arrest for being an idiot.

Editor’s Note: Well, at least Britney’s smart enough to put gloves on before touching herself. Like mama always said, “better safe than STD-ridden and itchy.”

Call me a romantic, but I’m pretty sure what we’re looking at her is Vanessa Minnillo trying to drown Nick Lachey after he asked her when she’s going to get that pock mark on her forehead fixed. Oh, don’t be coy; you all know what I’m talking about here. The thing’s so deep, it’s got an echo.

Editor’s Note: My apologies for my lack of posts lately, but I’ve been much too busy celebrating the recent demise of Jack Valenti and breaking the Guinness record for longest Irish jig on a grave. My record? 13 days 1 hour 6 minutes. I really don’t expect to hold it much beyond the month of June since Jerry Falwell died today, but I will freely accept all forms of congratulations until either a Jew, homosexual, or Teletubbie with feminist leanings surpasses me.

By the way, this post has been rated NC-17 by the MPAA for foul language, sexual situations, smoking, and a liberal point of view.

In what looks to be another desperate attempt to drub up even more publicity for his new film “Pirates of the Caribbean: It’s Pronounced Karre bee en”, actor Orlando Bloom has conveniently let it slip that he is currently looking for love online at Facebook.com. There is, however, one little catch: he’s using a friend’s name and picture in his profile so he can carefully weed out all the whores looking to bang him just because they want to turn a gay man straight he’s a barely recognizable gay celebrity.

From Female First:

Orlando is reported as saying: “It’s difficult sometimes to know whether girls like me, or the guy they see in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’. This way I can get to know them from behind a disguise.”

The 30-year-old actor plans to get to know prospective dates by chatting online, before arranging to meet them in person.

I hate to shit all over what looks to be a totally foolproof plan, but I’m pretty sure Orlando is going to quickly find himself in a mess of “Three’s Company” proportions if he ever decides to meet one of these thirteen-year-old girls face to face. Believe me, I know. As someone who has pretended to be Johnny Depp myself, I can tell you that the ruse almost always comes to a screeching halt once they free their hands and remove the blindfold.

Editor’s Note: I’m ending this post with these recent photographs of Kate Bosworth in a bikini because they’re slightly more appealing than the ones showcasing Orlando Bloom in a bikini. Plus my bedroom looks like a total mess in those pictures and I really don’t need my mother calling me up and telling me that she didn’t raise no slob when she clearly did.

Before I reveal the correct answer to this little brain teaser of mine, let me first address the many wrong answers that I’m sure were uttered right off the bat.

Answer #1: Lucy Liu

If that was your first guess, then you, my friend, are a racist. To single her out just because she looks like she eats rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is not only incredibly stupid, but pretty assholish as well. It’s not like I provided audio samples with each picture and you picked her because she talked like this: “Ching chong I hate ching Rosie O’Donnell ching chong ching.” No, you just went on looks alone and that, my racist friend, is wrong.

Answer #2: Debra Messing

Sorry, wrong again. To single her out just because she looks like a third grader who crashed daddy’s office party in her dead mommy’s dress is not only terribly mean, but also quite immature. Flat-chested women have feelings too, you know — just not as many since they have less room to store them in.

Answer #3: Rose McGowan

Close, but no cigar. While Rose does appear to be the only one here who looks as if she’s had painful skin grafts after barely surviving a house fire, it would be wrong to single her out just because she doesn’t know how to freebase properly.

Answer #4: Lindsay Lohan

If you answered Lindsay Lohan because you think she’s the only one coked up in these pictures, then you, my friend, are an idiot. Seriously, turn in your driver’s license, your gas-powered stove, and any pair of scissors you may have lying around the house before you accidentally kill yourself or one of your neighbors.

The correct answer is…

Jessica Simpson. Because you can’t see her earrings. And because she’s the only one I haven’t slept with. Yet.

Game over. Piss off.