Thanks a lot Donald Trump, Kelly Ripa, Asian-Americans, 9/11 realists, brainy high school girls, and Barbara Walters. Regardless of what Rosie has to say about her failed contract negotiations with ABC, I know you we’re all instrumental in her planned departure from “The View” this June and I’m sure you’re all together celebrating right now in some massive orgy beneath the streets of Manhattan. Bastards.

Because of your inabilities to take a joke or open your mind to wild wide-eyed conspiracies, I’m actually going to have to leave my house now if I want to point and laugh at a fat angry lesbian. And since my neighbor is approximately twice my size, that also means that I’m going be spending at least three days a week in the hospital and another four days on top of that learning how to walk again without pissing my pants. All of which leaves me with about zero days left to do this blog every week.

Seriously, guys, thanks again.