In news that has stunned my penis, actress Salma Hayek has revealed that she was surprised to become such a sex symbol in Hollywood because she originally grew up in Mexico believing she was deformed.

From Contact Music:

Pregnant Hayek reveals, “I have had my struggles. I am five foot, two inches and in Mexico it was important to be tall. I grew up in a world where beauty was not only tall, it was white and blonde with blue eyes. And I’m dark, have brown eyes and brown hair and I’m short. “People used to say that the short thing was a deformity. I was really upset about my height.”

Well, this finally explains why she freaked out on me that time I lit my cigarette in front of her. At first, I thought it was because she was one of those militant anti-smokers who wanted to live forever just so they could continue to annoy people on their way to work with their overly pretentious demonstrations, but now I know “the truth”. Salma wasn’t afraid of the smoke, she was afraid of the fire; just like all deformed people are.

Don’t believe me? Well, then maybe you should go out and rent any movie with the name “Frankenstein” in the title [and if you come back with either "The Manchurian Candidate" or "Reindeer Games", I hope somebody beats you for being a dumbass]. Or, better yet, pay a visit to your local hospital and walk into the burn ward carrying a torch. Not only will the reactions of all the patients prove my point exactly, but you’ll also receive a cool refreshing shower followed by a nice long day of free room and board once the police arrive. Can’t beat that!

Still, none of this explains why Salma Hayek never looked the least bit deformed to me, but what the hell do I know about beauty. I’d fuck a moldy block of Swiss cheese if it had a big enough whole in it.