Why is Hilary Duff continually allowed to wear her gag as a head band? I thought we all agreed. [Hilary Duff Is Going To Make My Ears Bleed Now]

These two guys look like they should be kissing each other, not Jessica Alba. [Pop Atlas]

Hugh Grant throws like a girl. [Dlisted]

If Drew Barrymore is the most beautiful person on the planet, then surely my ass is second. [The Evil Beet]

Eve arrested for DUI, blames snake. [Celebrity Nation]

Looks like Fergie came to in the shower again and thought she was already dressed. [The Skinny Website]

Just do it. [Buzznet]

Some crazy woman tried to run over Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James last weekend. And how do I know she’s crazy? Well, apparently she’s obsessed with Sandra Bullock – whoever that is. [TMZ]

What can I say about Jessica Biel’s ass that hasn’t been said a million times before… [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

And finally, here’s the new wax figure of Justin Timberlake. If you plan on seeing it in person, then you better make it quick before Cameron Diaz pulls off a daring heist and marries it. That is, of course, if I don’t do it first.

Thanks a lot Donald Trump, Kelly Ripa, Asian-Americans, 9/11 realists, brainy high school girls, and Barbara Walters. Regardless of what Rosie has to say about her failed contract negotiations with ABC, I know you we’re all instrumental in her planned departure from “The View” this June and I’m sure you’re all together celebrating right now in some massive orgy beneath the streets of Manhattan. Bastards.

Because of your inabilities to take a joke or open your mind to wild wide-eyed conspiracies, I’m actually going to have to leave my house now if I want to point and laugh at a fat angry lesbian. And since my neighbor is approximately twice my size, that also means that I’m going be spending at least three days a week in the hospital and another four days on top of that learning how to walk again without pissing my pants. All of which leaves me with about zero days left to do this blog every week.

Seriously, guys, thanks again.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, I did not photoshop Britney’s head onto my body again. Instead, what you’re looking at here is the real Britney Spears from bad wig to fungus-infested toe.

That’s right. For the first time in years, Britney no longer looks as if she quenches her thirst with melted butter or sweet, sweet vegetable oil. She is now, as my grandfather would say, “in the pink”, or, as Britney herself would say, “in prime breeding shape”.

Unfortunately though, the cat, or baby if you will, has been out of the proverbial bag, or vagina, for nearly three years now and the public’s perception of Britney isn’t suddenly going to change overnight thanks to these perfectly planned pictures.

For we, as a weeping nation of sick, selfish masturbators, will never forget that Britney once looked like a guest star on “Roseanne” or an extra from “Romper Stomper”. Those images, from here on out, will forever creep into any sexual fantasy you have concerning the new and improved Britney Spears, leaving you to most likely end each ten second masturbatory session in a puddle of your own vomit instead of cum.

I’m sorry, Britney, but unless you can start selling records on your voice alone [ha.], you may not want to waste all that time trying to get back into shape. The damage has already been done and my penis has the memory of an elephant. Remember this?

Well, my penis does.

Jennifer Lopez and her enormous bottom [bottom? I guess I must be channeling the British today. P.S. Gandhi was a wanker who didn’t understand the advantages of imperialistic oppression. Tangent? By George, yes.] have accepted an offer of $2 million from a Russian billionaire to sing at his wife’s 30th birthday party. Sources close to Lopez – oh, how I pity them – said that the singer is expected to perform for “about 40 minutes”, which is about 40 minutes longer than most partygoers will want her to.

From MSNBC:

Andrei Melnichenko, a 35-year-old Russian banker, is flying Lopez to the U.K. to entertain his model wife, Aleksandra, and her 60 guests at their home for her birthday bash, according to various overseas reports. The tab is said to be $1.2 million fee, plus $800,000 for Lopez and her entourage’s expenses. Melnichenko’s personal fortune is reportedly close to $5 billion.

This reminds me of that time George Michael was paid nearly $3 million dollars to perform at the New Year’s Eve party of Vladimir Potinan, another crazy Russian billionaire. It also reminds me of that time President Reagan said, “Mr. Gobachev, tear down this wall, or I’m going to get the musical stylings of Bruce Springsteen to do it for me.” All of which reminds me that I really don’t have any point to make here other than maybe showing everyone that the Russians have poor taste in music just like most Americans do and that Lee Marvin was really, really good in “Gorky Park”.*

*Seriously, with the red face and bushy eyebrows, he looked exactly like your typical Russian woman. It’s just too bad his character was an American man or he might of won an Oscar.

Lee Marvin is the one on the left. No, not his left, your left – the one in the furrier hat. Yep, that’s him. Lee fucking Marvin. How that man managed to escape the blacklist I’ll never know.

Personally, I think the best part about this celebrity upskirt from Mischa Barton is that you can’t see her eyes staring back at you as you jerk off. Guilt-free masturbation – that’s what were all about here at The Blog You Love To Hate. That and pointing out that Mischa Barton has more cellulite on the back of her thighs than Rosie O’Donnell has on the back of her fingers. Ooops, sorry.

Editor’s Note: I seriously need to put myself on hiatus before these posts get any worse. Or at least inject myself with some Draino to unclog my current state of writer’s block. I really don’t care which as long as I’m dead by morning and go to a place where there are no celebrities. Des Moines maybe?