…and you can tell him I said that too.

According to The Daily Mail, aging action star Sylvester Stallone has been forced to hire a thirty-year-old body double to perform his stunts on the set of his new film “John Rambo” because he’s “way too old for this kind of shit” and the Australians have his steroids. Oh yeah, and he’s a pussy.

Pussy.

From Daily Mail:

In the new movie Rambo finds himself recruited by a group of Christian human rights missionaries to protect them against pirates, during a humanitarian aid delivery to the persecuted Karen people of Burma.

After some of the missionaries are taken prisoner by sadistic Burmese soldiers, Rambo gets a second impossible job: to assemble a team of mercenaries to rescue the surviving relief workers.

Don’t worry; I shouldn’t be gone for more than a couple of days. The director even promised to have me back in the States by Sunday. You know, for church.

As a fan of TV show “Prison Break” [as opposed to real-life prison breaks like the one in “The Prince of Tides” – definitely not a fan of those], I can say with a fair amount of certainty that this is a picture of its charismatic star Wentworth Miller at a press conference in Seoul. What I cannot tell you, however, is what the fuck he was thinking when he decided to fly over to Korea to push something called Bean Pole Jeans [what? Nicole Richie was busy?] and then happily allow himself to be photographed on stage hugging two giant teddy bears.

Now I’m no expert on being gay, but since I am an expert on being a macho misogynistic asshole with latent homosexual tendencies, I’m pretty sure Wentworth’s little trip to Korea here has officially solidified his gayness for all time.

For you see if Wentworth was really as straight as he continuously claims to be, he’d be off promoting manly things like beer and boxing gloves and wearing Wranglers instead of Bean Poles with a matching T-shirt. He probably would have also kicked those stuffed bears back into the crowd and demanded that the Koreans bring him real ones so he could wrestle them on stage with his bare hands. And then a sword because he was famished and needed to kill his dinner before sundown. Because that, my friends, is exactly what a real man would do. We rely on acts of violence to prove our manliness, which I guess is why there’s so many of us in prison right now fucking each other up the ass.

Editor’s Note: I hope you enjoy this video of Wentworth Miller wondering what the fuck is going on as two crazy Korean chicks talk around him. It’s positively kooky. [did that sound gay? Because if it did, I really meant to say, “it’s really cool and stuff. Yo.”]

I don’t know who the hell invited Jennifer Lopez and her mumbling, stumbling corpse of a husband Marc Anthony to Berlin last night for the 2007 Echo Music Awards, but I’m pretty sure that person expected a whole lot more than just an attention whore dressed like a rape victim and a 85-pound coke fiend who needs a cart to buy a box of envelopes.

Editor’s Note: Oops, my mistake. According to J-Lo’s number one fan, her dress was accidentally torn after being pulled from the rubble by her handsome and heroic husband M-An. Apparently, the Allies are still bombing the shit out of Berlin or something. I really don’t have the specifics.

Sarah Jessica Parker will trade you this glass of tears for a compliment. [Dlisted]

Has Courtney Love fallen off the wagon? The answer to this question and more when I give a fuck. [Faded Youth]

Liv Tyler may have lost a lot of weight, but she still has a long way to go before she can give those fingers a rest. [The Skinny Website]

Apparently, some guy named Jesse Metcalfe entered rehab today. More details to come once he actually becomes famous enough to make fun of. [Tabloid Whore]

Looks like Jordana Brewster will be playing the Angelina Jolie role in the new ABC series “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”. I guess Jennifer Aniston must have been busy or something. [Pop Atlas]

If you don’t buy Adidas, David Beckham’s gonna pop a cap in your ass. Or get Britney pregnant. Or possibly even both. How’s that for advertising? [The Evil Beet]

Another day, another picture of Christina Aguilera getting ready to give head to a birthday cake. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Did you know that Sanjaya’s sister used to work at Hooters? If you did, then can you please explain to me the sentence I just wrote. [Jesus Hearts Music]

If Britney Spears has really gone from pop icon to punk rocker, then someone really needs to dig up the corpse of Sid Vicious so they can carry on a love affair that ends with her bleeding to death in a bathroom. Wow, now I’m just being mean. And punk, man. Totally punk. [Buzznet]

And finally, Sid Vicious singing “My Way”. Why you may ask? Because I fucking feel like it, that’s why.

Now that, my friends, is what I call entertainment. Much better than all this gossipy gossip nonsense that is slowly rotting my soul. And yours.

Given her choice of coat and matching scarf, I think it’s safe to assume that Piper Perabo hates herself almost as much as Britney hates soap and well-thought-out decisions. Not only that, but I have also concluded that by posing in front of a wall of repeating posters like this, Piper is purposely trying to assassinate me from afar. In fact, I should probably stop looking at this photograph before I permanently stroke out and the paramedics find me with this dress on again. Oh, the phone numbers I walked away with last time.

Editor’s Note: Yes, I did just use the word “assassinate” instead of “kill” or “murder” in reference to what some may call my paranoid delusions. I am, after all, the ruler of my parent’s basement, and hopefully, maybe even the kitchen one day.

Editor’s Helpful Advice: Did you try looking for your remote between the legs and armpits of Piper here? Because I bet you it’s there. If not, I’m sure you’ll at least come across some loose change or maybe an earring or two.