As a fan of the 1970’s, I absolutely adore this gown worn by actress Penelope Cruz. It’s just too bad she wasn’t strong enough to pull along two stoners, their bong, and a bunch of Peter Frampton records on that shag carpet train behind her. Then maybe she could have walked away tonight with an award for Best Diorama instead of absolutely nothing like the rest of us.

Editor’s Note: And when I say nothing, I mean nothing since it’s pretty obvious that Helen Mirren is going to win the Best Actress award for her performance as John Travolta in “The Queen”.

So let this be a warning to you. Stay off the roads tonight, especially if Martin Scorsese finally walks away with Best Director. Even on a good day, this guy can barely see over his own steering wheel. Can you imagine what he’s going to be like after George Clooney fulfills his penchant for pumping short Italian men full of Lemon Chellos [i.e. Danny De Vito]? Yes, exactly. There’s going to be dead clergymen everywhere. You’re such a good guesser.

Now I may not be a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, or even a psychic physicist, but I’m pretty sure I could correctly diagnose Britney Spears after watching this video of her beating the shit out of a car full of paparazzi with an umbrella.

So, without further adieu, I present to you my well-thought out diagnosis on the once-bankable pop star known as Britney Spears:

The bitch is crazy.

Editor’s Note: Or she’s the Penguin. To the bat cave!

According to several reports, actress Scarlett Johansson has expressed interest in playing porn star Jenna Jameson in the movie adaptation of her autobiography “How To Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale” because she thinks the role could earn her an Oscar nomination.

From Life Style Extra:

A source said: “She knows Jenna has had a colourful life, but she isn’t prudish about it at all. She loved her book and thinks it would be a great film. Scarlett believes it could earn her awards like Julianne Moore’s Oscar nomination for her role in ‘Boogie Nights’.”

Jenna, 32, revealed her admiration for Scarlett last month. She said: “We’re looking at Scarlett Johansson. She’s my choice. I think she’s beautiful.”

I’m not going to lie to you; I really don’t know too much about Jenna Jameson and this so-called career of hers. But that’s probably because I go to mass every Sunday where I am continuously reminded by Father Shanahan that pornography is the product of the devil and may lead to a medical condition called “sin-induced burned retinasitis” if I ever try to view it alone at home with my pants off.

I do, however, know quite a bit about Scarlett Johansson and honestly believe that she’s much too good an actress to play someone who gets fucked in the ass for a living. A role like that should go to someone like Tara Reid or the rotting corpse of Elisabeth Shue, not to the sweet little girl that once made me sob so uncontrollably in “The Horse Whisperer”. Did I just say sob? I really meant to say “beat up terrorists and protect our country from gay liberal cowboys like Robert Redford”. They want to get married now, ya know.

Correction: Elisabeth Shue is not dead. Apparently, I mixed up her life with her career again. Sorry about that.

Editor’s Note: As a treat for those that like to compare things, I’ve included two very different photo shoots of Scarlett Johansson and Jenna Jameson below. As you can plainly see, Scarlett has a lot of growing up to do before she can even attempt a classy photo shoot like Jenna’s.

Keanu Reeves may look like a homeless man, but that still doesn’t mean he’s hit rock bottom yet. No, wait, apparently he’s dating Jennifer Aniston now, so yeah, congratulations Keanu, you’ve made it. Sorry dude, but you’re going to have to take the bottom rock; the top one’s mine. Escape? Ha ha ha ha ha…that’s what they all say the first day. [Celebrity Nation]

Lindsay Lohan dresses like a streetwalker. No offense, Mom. [The Skinny Website]

I think I’m going to buy Britney’s hair from this guy so I can leave strands of it in every straight-A student’s bedroom from here to New Jersey. This way when their parents test it for drugs and it comes back positive, I can get a good laugh as I eavesdrop on them between classes while mopping the floor. [Tabloid Whore]

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Hide your bottled water. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Michael Jackson attending a Prince concert is like Tom Cruise attending the premiere of a film starring Sean Penn. They both know they could perform just as well, but not without touching little boys first. [That Grape Juice]

Christina Aguilera’s pregnant? Why not just skip to the head shaving and save everybody a whole lot of time? [Buzznet]

Sylvester Stallone has been taking steroids? Man, I’m tellin’ ya, it’s always the guys you least expect. Here’s hoping he doesn’t OD on them one day like Chris Farley did. [The Evil Beet]

Marcia Cross has given birth to twin girls. No word yet on which is the evil one. [Celebrity Baby Names]

Just so you know, Ashton Kutcher is giving you the finger in this photograph, not the paparazzi. Remember that the next time you’re deciding whether or not you should fork over ten bucks to watch him read his lines off of cue cards for ninety minutes. [Dlisted]

And finally, video footage of Anna Nicole Smith making her way through the Cambodian jungle to kill Marlon Brando.