Keanu Reeves may look like a homeless man, but that still doesn’t mean he’s hit rock bottom yet. No, wait, apparently he’s dating Jennifer Aniston now, so yeah, congratulations Keanu, you’ve made it. Sorry dude, but you’re going to have to take the bottom rock; the top one’s mine. Escape? Ha ha ha ha ha…that’s what they all say the first day. [Celebrity Nation]

Lindsay Lohan dresses like a streetwalker. No offense, Mom. [The Skinny Website]

I think I’m going to buy Britney’s hair from this guy so I can leave strands of it in every straight-A student’s bedroom from here to New Jersey. This way when their parents test it for drugs and it comes back positive, I can get a good laugh as I eavesdrop on them between classes while mopping the floor. [Tabloid Whore]

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Hide your bottled water. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Michael Jackson attending a Prince concert is like Tom Cruise attending the premiere of a film starring Sean Penn. They both know they could perform just as well, but not without touching little boys first. [That Grape Juice]

Christina Aguilera’s pregnant? Why not just skip to the head shaving and save everybody a whole lot of time? [Buzznet]

Sylvester Stallone has been taking steroids? Man, I’m tellin’ ya, it’s always the guys you least expect. Here’s hoping he doesn’t OD on them one day like Chris Farley did. [The Evil Beet]

Marcia Cross has given birth to twin girls. No word yet on which is the evil one. [Celebrity Baby Names]

Just so you know, Ashton Kutcher is giving you the finger in this photograph, not the paparazzi. Remember that the next time you’re deciding whether or not you should fork over ten bucks to watch him read his lines off of cue cards for ninety minutes. [Dlisted]

And finally, video footage of Anna Nicole Smith making her way through the Cambodian jungle to kill Marlon Brando.