After months of partying with the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, fallen pop star Britney Spears decides to check herself into rehab at Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Centre in Antigua. Here is a picture:

Greek Chorus’ Note: As you can see, this rehab facility certainly deserves to be called a “centre” instead of just a “center”. No doubt because it has a pool out back instead of just fifty senior citizens playing Bingo or a gang of black youths learning to have respect for both themselves and others thanks to riveting games of chess and ping-pong. Samuel L. Jackson stars.

Unfortunately though, the pool isn’t nearly enough to keep Britney from craving the attention of flash photography so she checks herself out less than 24 hours later and begins her journey back home to Los Angeles.

From People:

Carrying two small bags, Spears, 25, ran through Miami International Airport to catch her American Airlines flight. But when she arrived at the gate and handed her boarding pass to the ticket agent, she was informed that the walkway had been retracted from the plane and the flight was closed.

“She was really upset,” says David Paulsen, a passenger at an adjoining gate. “She (said) to the agent, ‘I’ve got to get on this plane to get home to my kids.’ She looked like she was about to cry.”

The ticket agent called the pilot and requested that Spears be allowed on the flight. She told the pilot, “‘I’ve got Britney Spears here and she wants to get on the plane,’” Paulson says. After a pause, the agent said, “‘No, I’m serious. Can we get her on the plane?’” A few seconds later, the agent smiled and nodded to Spears, and the walkway was extended again.

Because the flight was nearly full, Spears had no available seat in first class. Instead, the singer took a seat in the last row of coach.

Greek Chorus’ Note: Remember these words: “’I've got to get on this plane to get home to my kids.” – because, apparently, one lives in a salon and the other in a tattoo parlor. Fucking spoiled brats.

Once back in California, Britney then heads off in limo to Tarzana where she spends the next ten minutes sobbing outside of Esther’s Haircutting Studio before walking inside and asking salon owner Esther Tognozzi to shave her head. The hairdresser – being of sound mind – politely declines.

From The Sun:

Stunned salon owner Esther Tognozzi said: “I tried to talk her out of it, but she said, ‘No I absolutely want it shaved off now.’

With no other option left but crazy, she grabs the clippers and does it herself.

Upon word of this action, the sound of “Yee-Haw!” emanates from the White House. Within the next twelve hours, the war in Iraq will be officially bumped off the front page in favor of more celebrity news. God bless Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears.

“Afterwards she looked in the mirror and said with tears in her eyes, ‘Oh, my God, I shaved it all off. My mom is going to be so upset with me.’” Esther said Britney, who was accompanied by two minders, seemed dazed and distant. She added: “She was just there in body and not really emotionally there.”

From there, Britney leaves the salon looking like a confused Jewish skinhead. Unfortunately, she does not kick her own ass.

Forty minutes later, Britney arrives at the Body and Soul tattoo parlor and rushes inside to get a set of pink lips on her wrist and a black, white, and pink cross on her lower hip.

She is not the perfect subject.

Workers said Britney was “screaming and flipping out from the pain”.

Emily Wynne-Hughes, who was in the tattoo shop, said: “After she left, we said to each other, ‘We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown.’

Greek Chorus’ Note: On the verge of a nervous breakdown? How about knee-deep in the middle of one.

At around 2 A.M. early Saturday morning, Britney shows up at the Cedars Sinai Medical Centre in Beverly Hills wearing a dark wig and apparently asking for help.

From The Sun:

Sources said she was with a pal and seemed “disturbed”.

Always one to oblige, the staff takes her to a private room where they proceed to kick the shit out of her for being a whiny, self-indulgent dumbass with way too much money and not enough brains*

*Speculative but probable

She leaves an hour later, but not before at least three people in desperate need of medical attention die while waiting in the lobby.*

*Again, speculative but probable

Greek Chorus’ Note: Maybe it’s time Britney tried a few “centers” for help instead of “centres”.

After avoiding the public eye for almost as long as she was in rehab, Britney spends her Sunday night hitting some nightclubs on the Sunset Strip. She looks like Rhoda’s mom.

From This is London:

Another whirl of nightclubs, this time the Roxy and Polo Lounge on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip, did little to allay fears that Miss Spears is spiralling rapidly towards a nervous breakdown.

She stormed out of the first after 45 minutes when the DJ at the karaoke-themed night started playing her first hit Hit Me Baby One More Time in her honour.

Special Greek Chorus’ Note to Britney Spears: Bullets are cheap.