While away at rehab, actress Lindsay Lohan has been apparently sending text messages to some guy named Brody Jenner, asking him for things such as McDonald’s and sex.

From US:

We’ve eye-balled one particularly flirtatious sext-message that Lohan sent Jenner - former flame of Kristin Cavallari, Nicole Richie and Lauren Conrad - last Saturday night in which the 12-stepper, among other requests, texted that all she wanted was “McDonald’s and sex.”

When asked by Usmagazine.com to comment on Lohan’s textual pursuit, Jenner, who just signed a deal to be a spokesman for Scope mouthwash, said, “Sorry, dude. I don’t text and tell.”

Forgive me for playing the pragmatist, but if I were in rehab, I’m pretty sure I would be text messaging my friends for an eight ball of coke and a pint of Jack Daniels instead of seemingly innocuous items like McDonald’s and sex. I mean, why have friends if you can’t exploit their loyalty and convince them to smuggle in the good stuff via their assholes and/or large intestines. It’s not like they’re going to have a million opportunities in life to play drug mule. Why not give them that once-in-a-lifetime experience that they will only thank you for later. As long as things don’t get stuck, of course. Then they’re just going to hemorrhage to death on the bathroom floor while cursing you out – a far cry from thank-you I should think.

In fact, if I was Brody Jenner, I probably would have responded to Lindsay’s pathetic request with “how about spaghetti with my balls instead?” before smashing my pink T-Mobile Sidekick in disgust. But that’s just because I hate people that lack the courage of their convictions.

Come on, Lindsay, you’re not Britney Spears. You shouldn’t be requesting McDonald’s and sex – or, as Britney would say, McDonald’s and making babies. You’re a single childless coke whore with a minor in alcoholism. Be proud of that and do whatever you need to do to feel special, especially if it means fulfilling my $1,000 prediction in this month’s dead pool.

Coke on!

Editor’s Note: I’ve included some recent photographs of Lindsay Lohan in rehab below. As you can see, rehab looks a lot like the real world. In fact, I think it’s safe to assume that you and I are in rehab too. Apparently, the name of this rehab is Earth.