My apologies for starting so late today, but I thought it would be a good idea to take a monster dump before I started. This way I can concentrate more on the shit I’m about to watch and less on the shit that was about to fill my pants. Thanks for understanding.

Because the President needs some airtime tonight to spin his lies and hypnotize the weak-minded [i.e. his Republican base], tonight’s stirring episode of “American Idol” will only be an hour long. Finally, the man does something right.

We’re in Memphis tonight, which I pretty sure is somewhere down south near Atlantis.

Ryan Seacrest makes a joke about Randy Jackson ordering thirty doughnuts. I guess the truth about him ordering thirty hookers just wasn’t funny enough.

First up…

Frank Byers Jr. – #55191: He’s a gayleader cheerleader for SAU. His nickname is Frank and Beans, probably because he likes to fondle eat them. He’s just too over the top to make it through, probably because his personality encompasses both definitions of the word “gay”.

Simon just went outside to tell the marching band to shut up, leaving Ryan to peek into the room and call him a “bitch” or a “dick” or a “flabby Englishman with bigger tits than the dead hooker in Randy Jackson’s bathtub”. I’m not exactly sure which since they bleeped it out.

Next up…

Timika Sims – #60146: She’s wearing a sweatshirt with the number 67 on it. Her IQ perhaps. Ok, now I’m positive it’s her IQ score. She’s a mumbling idiot. If Forrest Gump and Bubba had a child, her name would be Timika Sims. Stay in school, kids – if for no other reason than to not end up like her.

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You know what? Just ignore that bullshit headline, because to be honest, I am not at all threatened by the raving superbitch known as Naomi Campbell. In fact, I’m pretty sure I could kick her ass and leave her face down in a puddle of her own blood mixed with a few molars in less than four seconds. Maybe even less than two if I decided to answer her question of “Do you know who I am?” with just a quick pop in the head instead of hamming it up by spitting and laughing in her face first.

I say all this because, as we all know, Naomi likes to beat the help. Not all the help, mind you, just the maids and personal assistants who try to steal her oxygen and/or thoughts by looking at her. Which is exactly why she’s never without that enormous jewel-encrusted ring on her left hand. You know, the one that’s currently drawing some much-needed attention to that modest bosom of hers so people don’t confuse her with Mike Tyson in drag again.

The way I see it, it’s only a matter of time before I bump into Naomi one day and she tries to take a swing at me. Most likely at one of those groovy sex parties down in the meat packing district that I like to frequent. And let me tell you something right now, it’s not going to be the “Hey Champ” remark that’s going to provoke her, but instead that cute little French maid costume I always like to wear. You know the one.

Hot off his break-up with uberbitch Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake spent some time in Las Vegas over the weekend, shooting hoops with former flame Alyssa Milano and Eva “Accept it, I’m everywhere!” Longoria in a $25,000-a-night suite at the Palms’ new Fantasy Tower.

From People:

After his Friday night concert at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Timberlake, 25, hit the Jet nightclub with his entourage, where he danced with Milano, 34, and chatted with Longoria, 31.

At 4:00 a.m. the whole crew headed to an after-after party at the Palms’ Hardwood Suite in the hotel’s new 347-room Fantasy Tower. The $25,000-a-night, 10,000-square suite features an indoor basketball court, complete with scoreboard and locker room.

(The previous weekend, Timberlake’s ex, Britney Spears, stayed at the Fantasy Tower’s $40,000-a-night, two-story Hugh Hefner Sky Villa with new beau Isaac Cohen.)

“Justin played basketball for quite a while with Eva and Alyssa,” says a source. He and about 100 other revelers “stayed there for a couple hours.”

I may not be the smartest man in the room – which clearly means I’m not in the Oval Office right now – but even I know that it’s usually a lot more fun to play basketball when the people you’re playing with can actually make a lay-up without the aid of a heavy wind and/or stepladder.

At 5’ 2” tall, Alyssa Milano and Eva Longoria are short. So short, in fact, that if Justin Timberlake [at 6’ 1”] was putting together a squad to flush the Vietcong from their tunnels, he’d be off to a really good start and probably walk away with a nice shiny medal and big bag of ears at the end of the day.

On a basketball court though, short people are almost always as useless as white people and short women even more so than that. Which means that if you and your buddy ever go down to the park looking for a challenging pick-up game, you’d be better off choosing Danny De Vito and the ghost of Toulouse-Lautrec as your opponents than any two white women under 5’ 7”. Just remember not to bring your wife / girlfriend / daughter / mother / sister with you or poor Toulouse-Lautrec will want to quit early so he can paint the whores.

Outspoken actor Jamie Foxx believes that while white people shouldn’t be allowed to use the ‘N’ word, he, as a black man, should be able to use it and will continue to do so because he “needs” to.

From Life Style Extra:

Jamie – who was referring to ‘Seinfeld’ actor Michael Richards’ racist outburst at Los Angeles’ Laugh Factory – said: “He was just calling us n****r like it was the 50s! Then they said we can’t use the word anymore. That’s my s**t. I need it.

“I need the word to describe certain things, because at a certain level of excitement, I need to tell you how the s**t was, and there ain’t no other word that helps me say that better than that word.

“White people, you can’t use it. I would have booked his ass!”

I’m sorry, Jamie, but as a white man, I couldn’t disagree with you more. Not that I have ever used the ‘N’ word, mind you, but as an aspiring rap artist with an extremely limited vocabulary, I “need” to have every word at my disposal, or I’m just never going to make it to the top. In fact, just last week, my daughter asked me to write her a rap about her favorite bedtime story and I am already struggling to find words that will rhyme with the names of the characters. It’s “Winnie-The-Pooh”, by the way – in case you have any suggestions.

If, however, you plan on pushing this issue further, I, in the name of white people everywhere, will have to insist on the ‘C’ word being used by my race and my race only. That means that from now on, if anyone asks, you’re eating “cheese and flat pieces of hard bread”, not “cheese and crackers”. In fact, you better hope to God you didn’t just read that sentence aloud or I’m going to make sure my good friends Patrick Stewart and Howie Mandel come over there and “book your ass”.

Also, my wife would like to point out that she is offended by the ‘J’ word and believes that only people of similar origin should be allowed to use it. Therefore, she asks that both you and I use the words “anese” and “an” when referring to her ethnicity and country. Thanks.

Tonight, it’s all about Seattle – the home of Jimi Hendrix, a great musician who is no doubt turning in his grave as I write this. Hey Jimi, maybe you should have turned a little sooner before you choked to death on your own vomit.

It’s raining in Seattle. God is angry.

First up…

Brandon Groves – #77718: He’s dressed like Apollo Creed too. Or some guy named Uncle Sam – whoever that is. He sucks just as bad as he did last year. He wants to cry, but he won’t. He’s a cop and cops don’t cry. They just beat people who do. Usually black people. Make that black men. They’re a particularly wishy-washy group, those black guys.

Jennifer Chapton – #81526: In high school, the kids nicknamed her “the hotness”. They were obviously joking. She looks like an owl in heat and has a mole on her face that only draws more attention to her double chin. I’m kind of grossed out right now. Simon told her to get a job down in the port. Probably because it’s easier to get murdered down there.

Amy Salgado – #81347: She keeps talking about her son. I’m betting the same son who drew those eyebrows on her face with a crayon before she left this morning. She’s so big and those eyebrows are so tiny. It’s like watching worms on the Titanic. Dead worms because they didn’t travel first class. She’s tone deaf and can’t take a hint. Time to drop the anvil. She ripped up her contestant number on the way out. She could have got at least ten cents for that on eBay.

Quick montage time: That guy yelling “Die, Die, Die!” – I hope they fingerprinted him on the way out.

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