According to an interview with the Belfast Telegraph, actress Jessica Lange was almost driven off the road once by a pick-up truck because the car she was driving had anti-war stickers on it.

From MSNBC:

“George Bush really has whipped up the most poisonous scenario of neighbor against neighbor over the war in Iraq. It’s disgusting,” the “Tootsie” star told the Belfast Telegraph. “There were times when it was really lovely to be out there and against the war. But then I had anti-war stickers on my car and some big [bleeping] pick-up with an American flag tried to drive me off the road. It was scary and I was scared.”

Even the media beat her up, Lange says. “My anti-war work started four years ago when the drums were beating,” she said. “The few of us who really spoke out at the time took such a beating in the press — even the liberal press — and on CNN; I was on a CNN news program with an arms inspector who had been in Iraq, and we were treated like [bleep].”

Let’s forget that Jessica Lange sports the haggard face of an alcoholic and pretend for a moment that she actually likes to drown her Cheerios in milk every morning instead of Bailey’s Irish Cream. This way we can view this story of hers as something that might have actually happened instead of something she made up to explain why she’s always swerving all over the road.

Although to be honest, I’m still having a hard time believing certain parts of this story, particularly the part about her nemesis being a pick-up truck with an American flag on it. It all just sounds a bit too perfect, like the only thing missing here is the line, “Why dontcha get a haircut?” followed by the barrel of a shotgun and a jug with three big XXXs on it.

Not to mention the fact that maybe five percent of all pick-up truck drivers can actually read past the third grade level, leaving the majority of them to simply pass off phrases like “imperialistic bastards” as the fancy name of that disease that killed grandpa or something fags do to each other when they’re not out molesting little boys.

Ah, fuck it. Let’s just stop pretending and call this story what it is: another bullshit lie created by Jessica Lange to save her own ass. Just like that time she pawned her Oscar for a bottle of vodka and then blamed the only black man she knew for stealing it. Poor Denzel. Those two months in jail must have been hell.

Editor’s Note: Stereotypes are funny, especially when you’re a rich and powerful white man like myself. Now pass me the phonebook, I’ve got some random oppressing to do.