My apologies for starting so late today, but I thought it would be a good idea to take a monster dump before I started. This way I can concentrate more on the shit I’m about to watch and less on the shit that was about to fill my pants. Thanks for understanding.

Because the President needs some airtime tonight to spin his lies and hypnotize the weak-minded [i.e. his Republican base], tonight’s stirring episode of “American Idol” will only be an hour long. Finally, the man does something right.

We’re in Memphis tonight, which I pretty sure is somewhere down south near Atlantis.

Ryan Seacrest makes a joke about Randy Jackson ordering thirty doughnuts. I guess the truth about him ordering thirty hookers just wasn’t funny enough.

First up…

Frank Byers Jr. – #55191: He’s a gayleader cheerleader for SAU. His nickname is Frank and Beans, probably because he likes to fondle eat them. He’s just too over the top to make it through, probably because his personality encompasses both definitions of the word “gay”.

Simon just went outside to tell the marching band to shut up, leaving Ryan to peek into the room and call him a “bitch” or a “dick” or a “flabby Englishman with bigger tits than the dead hooker in Randy Jackson’s bathtub”. I’m not exactly sure which since they bleeped it out.

Next up…

Timika Sims – #60146: She’s wearing a sweatshirt with the number 67 on it. Her IQ perhaps. Ok, now I’m positive it’s her IQ score. She’s a mumbling idiot. If Forrest Gump and Bubba had a child, her name would be Timika Sims. Stay in school, kids – if for no other reason than to not end up like her.

Christopher Rivera – #53742: His body looks like a pencil and his head looks like the eraser. He’s a mumbling idiot too. I hope they kept him away from Timika. If those two ever bred, we’d have a mumbler of epic proportions on our hands.

Alexis Partee – #57801: How is it possible to sing well when you have more gum than teeth? It’s a shame she couldn’t have picked up some kind of radio station with all that metal in her mouth; she might have actually fooled everyone into thinking she could sing.

Sundance Head – #53450: I kid you not, this man does not know the origin of his name. I wonder if his parents named the dog Butch. Or if he’s actually the dog. That would explain the incredible amount of hair on his chest and that chin of his. He looks like King Tut with that goatee – if, of course, King Tut had one too many Twinkies. Fuck the pyramids! Build me a Hostess factory!

Wandera Hitchye – #58238: Again with the fucked-up names. She doesn’t make it through and throws a hissy fit by attacking the camera. Maybe she should save some of that anger for the person that cut her hair.

Travis McKinney – #56735: He says he’s going to bring emotion to “American Idol” for the first time. I think he means he’s going to bring an emotion other than pure unadulterated anger to “American Idol” for the first time [see Wandera Hitchye]. Always nice to begin an audition with a little seizure. He’s not singing, he’s just talking really fast. Maybe he should try out for “Auction Idol” down the block.

Danielle McCulloch – #scarf: Blah, blah, blah, look at me, I’m beautiful. Lay off the coke, honey, your nose is melting.

Day one is over. Bring on the thirty hookers.

Paula Abdul has just hugged half of Tennessee. I guess that’s better than drinking half of it.

Christopher McCain – #51826: This guy has the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old, which also helps explain why he’s in love with Paula. I guess his wife left him because he was fat and stupid and couldn’t grow a full beard or something. I really don’t care. Avert your eyes, children! He is dancing and jiggling right along with it. Hey dude, maybe your wife left you because you’re gay. Seriously.

Janita Burks – #50103: She’s both conservative and sexy, or so she says. I say she needs to be a little more conservative. May I suggest a nun’s uniform? Or maybe just a bra with some underwear.

Sean Michel – #55502: Good god, this guy might look like Castro, but he can sing. My favorite so far. Nothing bad to say here.

Melinda Doolittle – shy people don’t get numbers: Did I just accidentally turn the channel to “A Christmas Carol”? If not, then why is this woman dressed like Tiny Tim? Answer me!

Robert Lee Holmes – #53370: This guy thinks he sounds just like Elvis. Shockingly, he doesn’t. He not only likes to sing and dance, but he also likes to write stories. Please die.

Philip Stacy – #51815: Oh please, go join Robert Lee Holmes in the corner. Maybe he can write a story about how much you suck.

FIN