Tonight, it’s all about Seattle – the home of Jimi Hendrix, a great musician who is no doubt turning in his grave as I write this. Hey Jimi, maybe you should have turned a little sooner before you choked to death on your own vomit.

It’s raining in Seattle. God is angry.

First up…

Brandon Groves – #77718: He’s dressed like Apollo Creed too. Or some guy named Uncle Sam – whoever that is. He sucks just as bad as he did last year. He wants to cry, but he won’t. He’s a cop and cops don’t cry. They just beat people who do. Usually black people. Make that black men. They’re a particularly wishy-washy group, those black guys.

Jennifer Chapton – #81526: In high school, the kids nicknamed her “the hotness”. They were obviously joking. She looks like an owl in heat and has a mole on her face that only draws more attention to her double chin. I’m kind of grossed out right now. Simon told her to get a job down in the port. Probably because it’s easier to get murdered down there.

Amy Salgado – #81347: She keeps talking about her son. I’m betting the same son who drew those eyebrows on her face with a crayon before she left this morning. She’s so big and those eyebrows are so tiny. It’s like watching worms on the Titanic. Dead worms because they didn’t travel first class. She’s tone deaf and can’t take a hint. Time to drop the anvil. She ripped up her contestant number on the way out. She could have got at least ten cents for that on eBay.

Quick montage time: That guy yelling “Die, Die, Die!” – I hope they fingerprinted him on the way out.

Darwin Reedy – #80231: Ok, I just threw up when she put her contestant number over her stomach, or should I say, over her BREASTS! Good god, woman – you need to wear a bra. Apparently, she’s a student. Third grade maybe? Wonderful, her mom is just as delusional. Seriously, I’m going to have nightmares after this one.

Thomas Daniels – #841coat: If Shaft was a college professor; he’d look just like this guy. Sounded good, but his flyer should come a good ass kicking.

Look, dogs are delusional too.

Melissa Stavros – #79236: She’s looks absolutely swollen from the neck down. Her arms are enormous. Simon’s right – she does look sunburned. She also looks like a Dali painting gone mad. What a lovely group of friends she has. I betcha they’re all on the dole.

What the hell is going on here in Seattle? These people genuinely scare me.

Blake Lewis – #77804: You can thank Blake for the hair gel shortage in Seattle.

Yeah, I moving kind of slow here today. These people are leaving me utterly speechless. In fact, someone should seriously think about rounding them up so they don’t breed. It could be disastrous.

Michael Bustamante – #77917: Best Erik Estrada impression I have ever seen.

David Mills – #7tie7: David Mills for Student Body President! I betting that’s his father’s tie. Here’s hoping he didn’t dig him up to get it. Hey David, shop smart, shop K-Mart.

Funniest line of the night (so far):“It’s been a major wake-up call for me” – courtesy of David Mills.

Our first brother & sister team. I’m going to go ahead and guess that the sister is the oldest since her mustache is the thickest.

First up, the sister…

Shyamali Malakar – #80202: She sings fairly well for being in a coma. She needs to be careful with those teeth. She might accidentally bite her head off one day. Welcome to Hollywood, doll.

And now, the brother…

Sanjaya Malakar – #80203: Since I’m such a sucker for Stevie Wonder, I find it hard to write something bad about him. Sadly, I don’t think Sanjaya is going to make it to Hollywood unless he posts a bodyguard outside his bedroom door at night. His sister has that look in her eye.

Good god, it’s only been a hour? I am so fucked.

Nicholas Zitzmann – #78045: Serial killer. Moving on…

I said, “Moving on!” Stop your singing, Zitzmann. If Ryan Seacrest stared at him for maybe a second more, this guy would have pissed himself. By the way, I have your sweatshirt, Zitzmann, and I’m keeping it.

Rudy Cardenas – #59576: Rudy’s a tough guy who likes to sing Journey. I’m a tough guy who hates Journey. I think we should settle this with a good ol’ fashion cage match. With guns. Ok, one gun, but I get it.

Day one is over. A grand total of seven made it through to Hollywood with at least fifty committing suicide. A moment of silence please for the great David Mills.

I can see the glorious end in sight.

Kenneth Briggs – #76288: Santa Maria, El Chupacabra! Yo quiero Taco Bell…

Jonathan Jayne – #77751: Ok, this guy is obviously retarded so I probably shouldn’t make fun of him. I could, however, pretend that he’s just heavily sedated and/or drunk and do it. Yeah, let’s do that. Anyways, he reminds me of Peter Ustinov. And his head might very well pop off if he tries to hit that high note again.

Eric Chapman – #80450: This guy is remarkable, learning to cut hair like that after his stroke. Too bad he couldn’t get his speech back. This audition just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Security!

Hey Eric, did you meet Blake Lewis? With your hair gel and his addiction to hair gel, you guys could become BFF.

Ryan Seacrest is short montage. With more Josh Flom.

Anna Kearns – #78163: She’s 6’ 7” with heels. She’s as tall as Aretha is fat.

Make it end.

Jordin Sparks – #80066: Ok, enough of this crazy name bullshit. Jordan is spelled as I just spelt it, god damn it. When you say your name is Jordan – again, look at the spelling – I am going to go ahead and write it as such. But if your name comes up on the screen as Jordin, then I have to go back and change the “a” to an “i” and waste even more time. See, now you’ve made me angry. And I was just so downright cheerful before.

Last audition coming up. You better not be lying, Ryan, or I’m getting my shotgun.

Steven Thoen – #76846: If you can’t pronounce the word “karaoke”, you probably shouldn’t try to use it in a sentence. Hey Red, you suck, you delusional bastard. This guy doesn’t watch a lot of television because he likes to keep busy. You know, killing hookers and stuff.

Man, that was like pulling teeth with a pair of spaghetti tongs.

FIN