Has it been a year already?

Yep, that’s right, my friends. “American Idol” is back and you all know what that means. I get to point the white-hot tip of all my anger and sexual frustration away from celebrities for a moment, and point it straight at those who deserve it the most. Namely, delusional people who can’t sing a correct note to save their pathetic lives.

As always, I will be writing my comments as I watch the show and then post them at the end of each hour. I will also be using the 30 minute buffer on my Tivo so I won’t have to watch any commercials [yeah, take that, Fox]. That means I won’t begin watching the show until about 8:30 pm or possibly later. Believe me; it’s just better for everyone that way.

Let us begin…

Host Ryan Seacrest keeps using the word “together” like we’re all to blame for this mess they call “American Idol”. Isn’t that also the same word Hitler started throwing around in the last days of the war so he wouldn’t shoulder all of the blame himself? Does this mean Ryan Seacrest is going to commit suicide in a bunker somewhere beneath Los Angeles before the season’s out? Am I really that confused here? And why do I keep ending every sentence with a question mark? See? I’m an idiot? Well, fuck you then.

Thanks for breaking the cycle, you mean beautiful bastard. I could have gone on like that for some time. What? You don’t believe me? Seriously? Do you think I’m lying?

Damn you, Ryan, I did not make Kellie Pickler a household name. Good ol’ country hog porn did that.

Shots of crowds yelling, “I’m the next American Idol!”, but no shots of me yelling, “You’re all a bunch of delusional bastards!

…because I’m the next American Idol!”

See that girl jumping around in the fountain for having made it through? Somebody throw her a bar of soap and a detailed set of instructions on how to use it. If she refuses to get her face wet, then I suggest taking away the flyer so you can use her tears.

AN ALERT TO SHOW I CARE: They’re showing a quick montage of one-second shots right now. Epileptics, look away! Friends of epileptics, grab some Popsicle sticks just in case.

First stop for auditions: Prince’s hometown, which according the crowd of people yelling is “Quantifillasota!”. Or as I like to call it, “Minneapolis, Minnesota”

Here come the judges…with guest judge Jewel. Haven’t seen her in a while. I wonder if she’s living in that car she just stepped out of.

And our first contestant is…

Jessica Rhode – #33394: She works at the Mall of America [paid advertisement] as a make-up artist, meaning she makes ugly housewives look like ugly whores. She’s also a big fan of Jewel, who I am sure will be more than happy to be the first one to tell her she sucks. And what do you know? She does suck. Hard. Oh, and now she’s crying about it. Almost on her knees now. She wants it so bad. Give it to her, Simon.

It’s 8:12 now and we have our first commercial. At this point, I have written exactly 544 words. The show’s going to be on ‘til ten. Looks like I’m going to need to settle down a bit or I’m going to be in novella territory by nine. My solution? 10ccs of heroin.

Next up…

Troy Benham – #31336: Describes his look as “urban Amish”. He has never seen the show and has no idea who the judges are because he does not have a broadcast television in his home. Oh Troy, how I envy you. And hey, if you’re looking for a roommate or just want my television, let me know. By the way, you suck.

Quick montage of numbers 29441 – 33562 – 29425 shows us that people can suck in five-second intervals too.

Jesse Holloway – #23531: Based on his manly swagger, he appears to be our first gay contestant of the night. And, based on his manner of speech, he also appears to be our first retarded contestant of the night. This is just too damn exciting. You know he’s wearing those dog tags in case he gets lost. By the way, he sucked too.

Charles Moody – #29212: Oh my god, it’s Apollo Creed aka Carl Weathers aka the guy who cuts my lawn for a forty. Gee, do you think this guy is going to suck?

Total number of people who have tried to go through the wrong door so far: 3

Denise Jackson – #Sorry, I can’t read her number. She has it over her vagina and she’s only 16. That would be illegal. Now this, my friends, is American Idol. This girl was born a crack baby but has turned out to be the most talented and levelheaded contestant so far tonight.

Did you hear that in there, honey? I’m putting you on a strict crack diet starting tomorrow. My baby’s gonna be a superstar!

Tashawn Moore – #31524: She is wearing a green tie because they told her to “dress to impress”. Yeah, she’s a lesbian. Or a leprechaun. If she can’t remember the words to the song, how the hell is she going to remember where she hid her pot of gold? Seriously, what the fuck? Does she even know where she is right now?

Hey Tashawn, wrong door. And that makes four.

Perla Meneses – #31572: She’s from Colombia. And apparently, they don’t have gay men there since she’s attempting to pick up Ryan Seacrest. Simon likes her. I like her. And yes, she should celebrate more – preferably in my bedroom without any clothes on.

Delusional cowboy alert.

Matthew Volna – #25958: As someone who loves the song “Folsom Prison Blues”, I want to beat this guy for screwing it up. And then I want to go dig up Johnny Cash and beat this guy with his corpse.

Kah’reem Copeland – #27265: Finally, a man who can rock a sweater vest.

Is that Kenny Loggins I hear in the background? This night just keeps getting better and better.

Jarrod Fowler – #33632: He’s in the navy and stationed on the USS Ronald Reagan. He actually won a talent contest on the ship called “Reagan Idol”. I guess he did the best job at screwing over the poor or something. Anyways, Jewel and Randy Jackson just criticized him for being pitchy. Look for them both to be officially defined as “enemies of the state” by Sean Hannity within the next hour. Or whenever he wakes up under that dead hooker.

Ok, that’s the end of the first hour. I’ve just written over 1100 words of nonsense. I think I should probably take a break and maybe fill in some screenshots from the show. You people are probably only going to look at the pictures anyways.

I’m back…

What? Only 58 minutes left. Damn…

Ryan Seacrest just called the Midwest, the “Mid-worst”. Now how the hell am I supposed to compete with that wit?

Rakel Garcia – #27619: I’m sensing a connection between fucked-up names and delusional contestants.

Trista Giese – #27336: Come now, Ryan. At that size, did you really think she was going to do an impression of the scarecrow or Dorothy?

Funniest line of the night: “Do you want the poster?” [screenshot below]

Stephen Horst – #29017: Ah, the pitch pipe – for the exceptionally delusional. Stephen, repeat after me. Welcome to Walt Disney World. May I take your order?

Michelle Steingas – #33020: She’s wearing tight jeans, but she’s covering her ass with a sweater. I can never understand this.

Another thing I can’t understand: people who quit their jobs to audition for “American Idol”. Seriously, how is it possible that these people have jobs. I wouldn’t trust half of them to make me a sandwich.

Dayna Dooley – #35413: I’m afraid to say anything bad about her. Her boss looks like he could easily put a bullet in my head. Although I’m fairly certain I could distract him with a bucket of chicken if I had to.

Matt Soto – #25077: “Mom, I just got married. His name is John.” Is she proud of you now?

Rachel Jenkins – #33062: I don’t know if I would’ve put her through, being a disembodied head and all.

Sarah Krueger – #35590: Congratulations Sarah, you are the most boring contestant of the night. I think that may actually be a compliment.

Jason Anderson – #31233: Dude, first off, shower. You’ll never be famous without being clean first. Second, take some anger management classes. You’re a school shooting waiting to happen. And finally, maybe you should concentrate solely on the dancing. That’s your definite strong point. You’ve got magic feet, my lad, magic feet.

Brenna Kyner – #33052: She’s an Idol super-fan. And she’s 24…in dog years. Come on, Brenna, you’ve seen every episode of the show and you’re still this delusional. Maybe you should stop eating and start paying attention.

‘Kiss’ montage contains a laugh out loud moment: “I shake a little shake.” I predict here and now – Perla Meneses is the next Charo. Loved it.

Josh Flom – #27186: The only contestant who didn’t make it through that wasn’t delusional. Simon was right. Stick with the band, kid. In fact, if I knew the name of the band, I’d promote it for you right now.

In the end, only 17 contestants made it to Hollywood. Prince must be some kind of X-man or something.

FIN