Yes, I am live blogging the 64th annual Golden Globe Awards tonight. Why? Because I hate myself as much as I hate you. So make sure you keep reading and refreshing this page or I’m only going to accomplish half my goals tonight.

In an obvious attempt to burn out early, I am already watching E! and their extensive coverage of the red carpet hosted by Ryan Seacrest and a bunch of people I’ve never heard of. It is 6:14 and I am stone cold sober. Let the games begin…

6:48 pm – Penelope Cruz has made 35 movies? That’s impossible. She must be including her sex tapes with Tom Cruise in that total. What’s 35 minus zero?

7:00 pm – Eva Longoria just said she wanted Jessica Biel’s body. Yeah, who doesn’t.

7:02 pm – Look everybody, pictures of Vanessa Minnillo. She’s here at the Golden Globes because she’s nominated for absolutely nothing. Just like you and me.

7:09 pm – Ryan Seacrest is boring me as much as I’m boring you right now.

7:13 pm – Leonardo DiCaprio needs to stop that shit he’s always doing with his eyebrows. You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you?

7:25 pm – Mark Wahlberg looks like he wants to kick Ryan Seacrest’s ass. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part. Regardless, I think he should start with a headbutt because then I can take a screenshot of it and pawn it off as the two of them kissing. Ah, proof at last.

7:32 pm – Hugh Laurie’s British? Ha, just kidding. He’s gay.

7:34 pm – Cate Blanchett looks like she starved herself for weeks to fit into that dress. Or gown. Or whatever the hell it’s called. Ask Hugh Laurie if you want to know.

7:36 pm – Speaking of gay men, Jeremy Piven brought his mother again. But who cares because they’re finally here…

7:38 pm – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

7:50 pm – Eddie Murphy just got bounced for Beyonce. Someone’s getting bitchslapped later.

7:52 pm – One of the hosts just admitted to wearing Evangeline Lilly’s dress ten years ago. Too bad she didn’t say it to her face. That would have been one hell of a catfight and enough of a distraction for Eddie Murphy to discuss things with Beyonce without getting arrested.

7:55 pm – Did you know that Budweiser has a bold taste? I didn’t, but I guess that’s why I watch TV. To learn things.

7:57 pm – I’m switching to ABC now so I can watch Billy Graham. Fuck the Golden Globes. I love God.

7:58 pm – Just kidding.

7:59 pm – Any minute now…

8:01 pm – “One Night Only” is playing and hurting my ears. I will try to make it stop with gin.

8:02 pm – George Clooney to present…

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Adriana Barraza for Babel
Cate Blanchett for Notes on a Scandal
Emily Blunt for The Devil Wears Prada
Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi for Babel

Winner: Jennifer Hudson

Man, that was fast. George Clooney does not fuck around.

8:06 pm – Justin Timberlake is in the house to present…

Best Original Song – Motion Picture

Bobby (”Never Gonna Break My Faith”)
Dreamgirls (”Listen”)
Happy Feet (”The Song of the Heart”)
Home of the Brave (”Try Not to Remember”)
The Pursuit of Happyness (”A Father’s Way”)

Winner: Happy Feet (”The Song of the Heart”)

Apparently, Justin Timberlake does not fuck around either. This awards show is moving incredibly fast. Justin is a fucking comedian too. He just bent his knees a bit and pretended he was Prince accepting the award. Ha ha ha, Justin. I hope Prince kidnaps you one day and makes you grow the hair on your head longer than the hair on your face. You’d probably piss your pants and have a nervous breakdown. Sexy back, my ass.

8:10 pm – Commercials…

8:12 pm – Eva Longoria and that guy from “Entourage” introduce the new Miss Golden Globe. It’s Jack Nicholson’s daughter. All of this matters why?

8:13 pm – Next award…

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Thomas Haden Church for Broken Trail
Jeremy Irons for Elizabeth I
Justin Kirk for Weeds
Masi Oka for Heroes
Jeremy Piven for Entourage

Winner: Jeremy Irons

I met him once. He tried to touch me.

8:16 pm – Tina Fey and David Spade to present…

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Drama

Patricia Arquette for Medium
Edie Falco for The Sopranos
Evangeline Lilly for Lost
Ellen Pompeo for Grey’s Anatomy
Kyra Sedgwick for The Closer

Winnner: Kyra Sedgwick

She won for a show on TNT, and let me tell you, TNT is not going to let you forget it. Look for ads touting this win to start showing up everywhere tomorrow. That includes both your kitchen and your shower.

8:24 pm – I am really enjoying this long commercial break. Maybe I should pause my Tivo and enjoy it even more.

8:25 pm – Hugh Grant looks either drunk or lost in the audience – possibly even both if we’re lucky. Hey, someone point him to the pants of Jack Nicholson and tell him its home. Let’s see what happens.

8:27 pm – Renee Zellweger goes blah, blah, blah and makes it off the stage without passing out. Fucking alcoholic.

8:29 pm – Will Ferrell is working a pretty nice ‘fro from the audience tonight.

8:29 pm – Jessica Beil and her perfect ass to present…

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Emily Blunt for Gideon’s Daughter
Toni Collette for Tsunami: The Aftermath
Katherine Heigl for Grey’s Anatomy
Sarah Paulson for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Elizabeth Perkins for Weeds

Winner: Emily Blunt

What the fuck is an Emily Blunt and what did it just win for?

8:32 pm – “Heroes” cast to present…

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama

Patrick Dempsey for Grey’s Anatomy
Michael C. Hall for Dexter
Bill Paxton for Big Love
Hugh Laurie for House M.D.
Kiefer Sutherland for 24

Winner: Hugh Laurie

Love “House”. Love Hugh Laurie. No further comment necessary.

8:39 pm – Seriously, I am really loving these commercials here. And when I say “commercials”, I mean the two minutes I get to nod off and dream about the “Naked Golden Globes…for actresses under the age of 30″.

8:41 pm – Porn aficionado Charlie Sheen shocks the audience by introducing a clip from the film “Bobby” instead of one called “Boobie”.

8:42 pm – Steve Carell to present…

Best Animated Film

Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House

Winner: Cars

Oh, the excitement. Let me die.

8:46 pm – Joaquianinanonion Phoenix to present…

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

Annette Bening for Running with Scissors
Toni Collette for Little Miss Sunshine
Beyoncé Knowles for Dreamgirls
Meryl Streep for The Devil Wears Prada
Renée Zellweger for Miss Potter

Winner: Meryl Streep

It’s official – Meryl Streep now has more awards than friends. Good for her. Friends suck and talk back and shit. Awards don’t. They rule.

8:55 pm – I hate Ben Stiller and he won’t go away. Although with hair that gray, he could very well be dead within the week.

8:57 pm – Salma Hayek to present in mangled English…

Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Bleak House
Broken Trail
Elizabeth I
Mrs. Harris
Prime Suspect: The Final Act

Winner: Elizabeth I

Salma, you need to embrace your native tongue. And if they don’t understand you, fuck ‘em. Just throw the award in the direction of the winner and call it a night. Just try not to hit Jessica Biel though. If you kill her, I might cry.

9:00 pm – Rachel Weisz to present…

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Ben Affleck for Hollywoodland
Eddie Murphy for Dreamgirls
Jack Nicholson for The Departed
Brad Pitt for Babel
Mark Wahlberg for The Departed

Winner: Eddie Murphy

Kind of a surprise. Just like me being still awake.

9:05 pm – Hey, I just caught a glimpse of Prince out of the corner of my eye and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t in my bedroom. Where the fuck was he hiding before? I betcha Justin Timberlake’s quaking in his boots now.

9:08 pm – Sienna Miller and Terrrrrrence Howard to present…

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television

Andre Braugher for Thief
Robert Duvall for Broken Trail
Michael Ealy for Sleeper Cell
Chiwetel Ejiofor for Tsunami: The Aftermath
Ben Kingsley for Mrs. Harris
Bill Nighy for Gideon’s Daughter
Matthew Perry for The Ron Clark Story

Winner: Bill Nighy

I love those glasses, dude. It’s like I’m watching the Golden Globes from 1974. Pass the heroin.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television

Gillian Anderson for Bleak House
Annette Bening for Mrs. Harris
Helen Mirren for Elizabeth I
Helen Mirren for Prime Suspect: The Final Act
Sophie Okonedo for Tsunami: The Aftermath

Winner: Helen Mirren (for Elizabeth I)

Apparently, Helen Mirren is under the impression that we have all seen her movie. Newsflash, Helen. History and old people suck.

9:18 pm – Cameron Diaz just sucked the fun out of the room again. Cameron, it’s “Infernal Affairs”, you idiot.

9:20 pm – Hilary Swank and Jake Gyllenhaal to present…

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture

Guillermo Arriaga for Babel
William Monahan for The Departed
Todd Field & Tom Perrotta for Little Children
Patrick Marber for Notes on a Scandal
Peter Morgan for The Queen

Winner: Peter Morgan (for “The Queen”)

9:21 pm – Vanessa Williams and Tim Allen to present…

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy

Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock
Zach Braff for Scrubs
Steve Carell for The Office
Jason Lee for My Name Is Earl
Tony Shalhoub for Monk

Winner: Alec Baldwin

He sure did take a long time to get to the stage. I guess he must have stopped to do some shots along the way. I loved the way the camera caught him fixing his suit from above when he was walking on the other side of the wall and didn’t think anyone was looking.

9:28 pm – This shit ends at ten o’clock, right?

9:29 pm – Geena Davis and James Woods to present…

Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy

Desperate Housewives
Entourage
The Office
Ugly Betty
Weeds

Winner: Ugly Betty

Hey Hollywood Foreign Press, here’s your first “fuck you” of the night. Are you ready? Fuck you! Idiots. That award should have went to either “The Office” or “Weeds”. Now I’m officially angry. No, wait, being angry would imply that I cared. Nevermind.

9:36 pm – Like Cameron Diaz, Jamie Foxx can suck the fun out of any room. It doesn’t matter if that room is in a whorehouse, a McDonald’s Playhouse, or my house – he’s like a bucket of cold water if water could, in fact, talk and annoy the shit out of you.

9:37 pm – Sharon Stone and Djimon Hounsou to present…

Best Foreign Language Film

Apocalypto
Laberinto del Fauno, El
Leben der Anderen, Das
Letters from Iwo Jima
Volver

Winner: Letters From Iwo Jima

I’m good. Thanks.

9:46 pm – Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant to present…

Best Original Score – Motion Picture

Gustavo Santaolalla for Babel
Hans Zimmer for The Da Vinci Code
Clint Mansell for The Fountain
Carlo Siliotto for Nomad
Alexandre Desplat for The Painted Veil

Winner: Alexandre Desplat (for “The Painted Veil”)

9:49 pm – Jennifer Love Hewitt and John Stamos to present…

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy

Marcia Cross for Desperate Housewives
America Ferrera for Ugly Betty
Felicity Huffman for Desperate Housewives
Julia Louis-Dreyfus for The New Adventures of Old Christine
Mary-Louise Parker for Weeds

Winner: America Ferrera

Yeah, sure, everybody loves America Ferrera now, but will they still love her when she starts dating Ben Affleck and P. Dumbassy. I think not.

9:53 pm – Bring on the Cecil B. DeMille award because I’m looking for a break.

10:10 pm – Tom Hanks presents the Cecil B. DeMille award to Warren Beatty. I am pleased. Go Communism!

10:22 pm – Dustin Hoffman makes a joke about “Ishtar”. Eva Longoria doesn’t understand.

10:24 pm – Steven Spielberg to present…

Best Director – Motion Picture

Clint Eastwood for Flags of Our Fathers
Clint Eastwood for Letters from Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears for The Queen
Alejandro González Iñárritu for Babel
Martin Scorsese for The Departed

Winner: Martin Scorsese

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Martin Scorsese mugged Bill Nighy for those glasses backstage.

10:29 pm – Reese Witherspoon (see Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx) to present…

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

Sacha Baron Cohen for Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Johnny Depp for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Aaron Eckhart for Thank You for Smoking
Chiwetel Ejiofor for Kinky Boots
Will Ferrell for Stranger Than Fiction

Winner: Sacha Baron Cohen

Anus, testicles, rancid bubble – now these are the words of a champion.

10:34 pm – With no end in sight, I’ve decided to jump from the nearest window. And to make sure no one catches me, I’m going to be punching all the way down. You’ve been warned, hero.

10:37 pm – Jennifer Lopez to present…

Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls
Little Miss Sunshine
Thank You for Smoking

Winner: Dreamgirls

Having seen “Dreamgirls”, I must say that I neither liked it nor hated it and that I’m really not gay. Seriously. I just went for the costumes.

10:44 pm – Courtney Cox and her bitch to present…

Best Television Series – Drama

24
Big Love
Grey’s Anatomy
Lost
Heroes

Winner: Grey’s Anatomy

Of course, the only show I don’t watch. I’ll take this award as a compliment.

10:46 pm – Philip Seymour Hoffman to present…

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama

Penélope Cruz for Volver
Judi Dench for Notes on a Scandal
Maggie Gyllenhaal for SherryBaby
Helen Mirren for The Queen
Kate Winslet for Little Children

Winner: Helen Mirren

Make me. Ok, let me write this: when I grow up, I want to look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yes, that’s right. I want to look like either a middle school teacher or a rapist. Sorry, I meant “a middle school teacher and a rapist”. My ambitions know no bounds.

10:54 pm – Felicity Huffman to present…

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

Leonardo DiCaprio for Blood Diamond
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Departed
Peter O’Toole for Venus
Will Smith for The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker for The Last King of Scotland

Winner: Forest Whitaker

He’s more nervous than a virgin at a prison rodeo. Ok, so I flipped over to watch some “Golden Girls” for a while. It helped take the edge off. Obviously, Forest Whitaker should have done the same.

11:01 pm – Arnold Schwarzenegger to present…

Best Motion Picture – Drama

Babel
Bobby
The Departed
Little Children
The Queen

Winner: Babel

It’s over. Go home. And don’t forget to take your garbage and empty bottles with you. I’m not your wife/mother/maid/Gary Coleman.

Screenshots to be filled in when I fucking feel like it. Maybe some photos too…for a price.