And by the inside, I don’t mean just beyond that thick layer of makeup she’s always wearing, but deep inside where that huge heart of hers lies. You know, the one that has captivated the minds of millions of men everywhere and was instrumental in helping her land that role on “Desperate Housewives” even though her acting resume at the time was limited to kissing another woman in a bikini and putting on a play with all the other kids in the neighborhood to save the old barn. In fact, thanks to the warmth of her glowing personality, Maxim even put her on the cover of their Hot 100 issue last year and then blew the whole thing up in a Nevada desert to remind aliens everywhere that the human race is all about beauty on the inside, not on the outside.

Special Note to Eva Longoria: I was just joking. You are obviously where you are today because you look great in makeup, which is to say you look like shit without it. So unless you want to add “The Surreal Life” to your resume within the next two years, I would suggest not being photographed without makeup again.

Editor’s Note: Man, and I thought it was tough to masturbate to pictures of Sharon Tate after seeing crime photos of the Manson murders. That’s going to be a walk in the park compared to this.

According to an interview with the Belfast Telegraph, actress Jessica Lange was almost driven off the road once by a pick-up truck because the car she was driving had anti-war stickers on it.

From MSNBC:

“George Bush really has whipped up the most poisonous scenario of neighbor against neighbor over the war in Iraq. It’s disgusting,” the “Tootsie” star told the Belfast Telegraph. “There were times when it was really lovely to be out there and against the war. But then I had anti-war stickers on my car and some big [bleeping] pick-up with an American flag tried to drive me off the road. It was scary and I was scared.”

Even the media beat her up, Lange says. “My anti-war work started four years ago when the drums were beating,” she said. “The few of us who really spoke out at the time took such a beating in the press — even the liberal press — and on CNN; I was on a CNN news program with an arms inspector who had been in Iraq, and we were treated like [bleep].”

Let’s forget that Jessica Lange sports the haggard face of an alcoholic and pretend for a moment that she actually likes to drown her Cheerios in milk every morning instead of Bailey’s Irish Cream. This way we can view this story of hers as something that might have actually happened instead of something she made up to explain why she’s always swerving all over the road.

Although to be honest, I’m still having a hard time believing certain parts of this story, particularly the part about her nemesis being a pick-up truck with an American flag on it. It all just sounds a bit too perfect, like the only thing missing here is the line, “Why dontcha get a haircut?” followed by the barrel of a shotgun and a jug with three big XXXs on it.

Not to mention the fact that maybe five percent of all pick-up truck drivers can actually read past the third grade level, leaving the majority of them to simply pass off phrases like “imperialistic bastards” as the fancy name of that disease that killed grandpa or something fags do to each other when they’re not out molesting little boys.

Ah, fuck it. Let’s just stop pretending and call this story what it is: another bullshit lie created by Jessica Lange to save her own ass. Just like that time she pawned her Oscar for a bottle of vodka and then blamed the only black man she knew for stealing it. Poor Denzel. Those two months in jail must have been hell.

Editor’s Note: Stereotypes are funny, especially when you’re a rich and powerful white man like myself. Now pass me the phonebook, I’ve got some random oppressing to do.

Yes.

Special Note to Tyra Banks: If you have any more questions you would like to have answered, please contact me at erichvonstroheim@theblogyoulovetohate.com or by phone whenever you’re not eating. I am more than willing to assure you that you’re a mean and ugly bitch as well.

Special Note to Oprah: Don’t be jealous, O. You’re all that and more.

Extra Special Note to Dr. Phil: Die.

No, Cameron Diaz is not about to throw up here nor is she trying to stop her yawn from collapsing the known universe. Instead, Cameron is simply implementing step #1 in her plan to win back the suddenly wise Justin Timberlake. A little step I like to call “The Jennifer Aniston”, or, for those too dumb to make the connection, the “look as if you’re having a good time even though you’re dead on the inside” step.

As stated in the Bible, this step is usually reserved for those people who are normally cheerful and lighthearted, but are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that they are now alone and will probably die as such. Which is why I am kind of puzzled to see Cameron using this step since she often comes off as a slightly more cartoonish Cruella de Ville, who would rather use the skin of orphans for her coat instead of the cuddly Dalmatians used by Jennifer Aniston.

The way I see it, if Cameron really wanted to make Justin jealous, she should have just bypassed this step altogether and simply got the paparazzi to take photographs of her beating her new boyfriend – pro surfer Kelly Slater – with a phonebook and defiling him with urine. Now that’s something that would definitely make Justin think twice about his decision to split with El Diaz and probably move him to tears as well. Seriously, there’s nothing like mixing the Stockholm syndrome with some nostalgia and a little bit of urine to bring your man back to you. Believe me. I know.

Here’s a little tip for those who may one day find themselves trapped in a mall by a gang of zombies: shoot Emmy Rossum in the head first. Her teeth alone demand it. [Hollywood Snark]

Sienna Miller caught sipping coke instead of snorting it. [Pop Atlas]

How is it possible that the new wax figure of Victoria Beckham looks more realistic than the real thing? [Tabloid Whore]

In an effort to drive Mandy Moore into a deeper state of depression, I think I’m going to ask Barry Manilow to serenade her with his hit “Copacabana”. What? [The Evil Beet]

Jessica Simpson looks as if she just raided the closets of Carly Simon, Cher, Eminem, and my local farmer. [The Skinny Website]

Being the least popular of all the American Idols has officially pushed Fantasia Barrino off the deep end and back into her feral state. [Dlisted]

Jennifer Garner likes to slip and fall down a lot. Just like my Uncle Rick and Paula Abdul. [Celebrity Nation]

Katie Holmes looks ready for that formal Star Trek convention next week. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Ice-T’s wife Coco is seriously rocking rapping rocking the mother of all camel toes here. Seriously. [Jesus Hearts Music]

Tara Reid continues to shed her party girl image by keeping her clothes on as two rappers attempt to bang her on stage. [TMZ]