Actress Cameron Diaz suffered some confusion in England recently after the media kept referring to her new film “The Holiday” as a “rom-com” and not a romantic comedy or piece of shit like us Americans do.

From Contact Music:

She explains, “It’s a ‘rom-com’ as they call it in England. I don’t know why they like to abbreviate, but they do. “They say ‘rom-com’ and I’m like, ‘What are you talking about?’ What’s a rom com?’ “The ‘blonde’ came out. It’s like there was an attack: ‘We’re going to Rom Com four!’ Once I got it clear I was able to sell the movie!”

Now I don’t know if Cameron Diaz is still abroad promoting her latest piece of celluloid torture, but if she is, I think I know how we can finally get rid of her for good this time. And by “we”, I mean you too, Justin, so pay close attention to the plan here.

Step 1: Call Cameron Diaz

Step 2: Tell her that the United States has outlawed all forms of make-up and acne medication and anyone caught using these products will be promptly arrested and deported.

Step 3: Remind her again that violators will be deported so she might as well stay where she is and save herself a trip.

Step 4: Remind her still that ugly people have no place in America and it’s damn near impossible for Justin to bring sexy back with her gangly ass always hanging around.

Step 5: End the phone call with a kind warning that if she isn’t careful, she might one day accidentally consume her entire face with that enormous mouth of hers.

Of course, if you have better things to do with your time like I obviously don’t, you could always just call her up and tell her that the entire continent of North America is sinking into the ocean. The only problem with that though is that you would have to end that call with a pretty convincing “gurgle, gurgle” and then hope she never watches the news again. After all, countries submerged in water usually don’t invade countries that aren’t so just make sure you have that assassin handy for Plan C.

Oh pity me, faithful readers, for I have suffered the tortures of the damned today.

It all started early this morning when I came across this photograph of what I thought to be Frankie Muniz enjoying some much-needed downtime after working nearly seven years on “Malcolm in the Middle”. That was, of course, before I realized that Frankie Muniz wasn’t nearly that tall and that the words “Kate Moss” written underneath the photograph weren’t really pronounced “Frankie Muniz”. Yeah, that’s when I lost the first eye.

Editor’s Warning: If you do not have poor taste in women, then I urge you to stop reading this blog before you go completely blind for the next four hours. Seriously, I am not kidding. I would never joke about going blind. Only a complete bastard would do something like that.

As for the second, well, I didn’t lose my sight in that one until I came across this horrific picture of Paris Hilton doing god knows what with her sister Nicky. And, according to sources close to God, they’re definitely not using the Voltron method to make one enormous vagina like I thought so…

Yes, apparently I am dumb enough to write for the blind.

In an interview with Newsweek’s Nicki Gostin, actor-director George Clooney has finally revealed the special grooming habits that may have helped him in being named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the second time in ten years.

From Newsweek:

You seem like a regular guy. Any special grooming habits?
I wash my face with a bar of soap. And I cut my own hair.

How do you do that?
With a pair of scissors.

I mean, how do you cut the back?
Something sticks out and you snip it. Though once in a while a buddy will say, “Dude, you need someone to cut your hair.”

Given George Clooney’s notoriously dry sense of humor, it’s always difficult to tell whether he’s being serious in an interview or whether he’s just joking. Take, for example, the time he said he did all his own singing in “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” or that other time he denied being a caveman from the year 1000 BC who once clubbed a time traveler to death over a device with lots of blinking lights on it. He may have been clearly lying in both instances, but that still didn’t stop millions of people from believing that he was one hell of a country singer or that he was born in the 20th century.

In this case, however, it should be clear to everyone – even you, John – that George is not being at all truthful here and is simply trying to be funny. Yeah, I know. I can’t stop laughing either. But do you want to know what’s really funny? The fact that George is rich enough to wash his face with a bar of gold, but instead chooses to wash it with the hearts of young Republican children because he thinks it will help him look younger.

Well, ha, ha, ha, George. The joke’s on you. You still look like shit and I know the whereabouts of all the bodies. Call me.

Country icon Dolly Parton released a statement earlier today supporting Jessica Simpson and the embarrassing performance she gave at the Kennedy Center Honors last weekend.

From People:

“Jessica is so talented that I’m sure that someday they will be paying tribute to her and I would be honored to perform for her,” Parton said in a statement Thursday. “But I’ll probably be so nervous that I’ll forget my wig!”

On Sunday, Simpson was paying tribute to Parton by singing her famous song before a packed audience, which included President Bush and the First Lady, when she botched the lines and then fled the stage in tears.

“Dolly you make me so nervous. I can’t even sing the words right,” Simpson said at the time.

Let’s forget for a moment that Dolly Parton’s face resembles that of my mask from last month’s Day of the Dead celebration and instead concentrate on who the hell she thinks she’s fooling with that bullshit statement of hers. Me maybe? You? Yeah, not bloody likely.

Sorry Dolly, but unless you count an E! Hollywood story as some kind of tribute, I doubt you’re ever going to get a chance to perform in honor of Jessica Simpson. Unless, of course, she dies in a plane crash right fucking now. Then maybe, just maybe, twenty years from now, people will look back on Jessica Simpson and say, “Wow, that girl had so much potential. Let’s have a tribute.” instead of saying, “Well, if we can’t get Debbie Gibson or Tiffany for the grand opening, how about Jessica Simpson?”

From the waist up, Marcia Cross doesn’t look a wee-bit pregnant. From the waist down, however, it’s an entirely different story. A story I like to call “Marcia Cross Isn’t Just Ugly Anymore, But Fat Too”. Hopefully, your children will love it when it hits stores next spring. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Tori Spelling is having a closet contents sale at her home this weekend. Look for Brian Austin Green to be sold into slavery within the first hour. [The Evil Beet]

Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are no longer together making each other miserable. [Celebrity Week]

Eddie Murphy questions the paternity of Scary Spice’s baby, leaving me to question whether or not I still know who the hell Eddie Murphy is. He played Robocop, right? [Tabloid Whore]

Paris Hilton wants to have four babies before she’s 30. Hey Paris, how about I do you one better and give you four punches in the face before lunch. [Dlisted]

Ashlee Simpson wants to start hanging out with Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears so she can flash her penis too. [Popbytes]

Now Melissa Joan Hart is no longer as big as a house, look for the property values in her neighborhood to rise. [The Skinny Website]

Farrah Fawcett is currently recovering from cancer or cancer is currently recovering from some crazy bitch named Farrah. I forgot which. [Celebrity Nation]

Salma Hayek’s breasts are enormous. But sadly, they’re still not as big as my balls. Keep eating, Salma. You’ll get there. [Pop Atlas]

K-Fed releases a press release concerning dinner. Only Star Jones cares. [TMZ]