I hate you all. Seriously, die already so I can open up all your gifts.

Editor’s Note: Well, apparently, James Brown was down with that idea. He died earlier this morning at the age of 73.

Hey James, thanks for making my Christmas a little bit brighter this year, man. I’ll be sure to think of you when I’m opening up your ten kilos of marijuana under the tree this morning. And just to show you that I’m not all about the taking, I’m going to swing by your ex-wife’s house tonight and pop her in the face for you.

Ah, the spirit of giving. It’s just so intoxicating – kind of like beer and my dreamy blue eyes, only without all that messy vomit and regret.