So there I was, enjoying a nice bacon Eggo waffle sandwich in front of the television this morning, when what do I see? Angelina Jolie on “Good Morning America” with enough lip gloss on to fill all of Lake Erie.

Seriously, I don’t even know why the cameraman kept cutting back to Diane Sawyer since I could clearly see her ugly mug in the reflection off Angelina’s lips. In fact, if Diane Sawyer was wearing glasses, the two of them would have no doubt created some kind of infinite reflection thing that would have not only made my head hurt, but my pants wet as well.

Now unfortunately, given the poor resolution of this video, it’s almost impossible to fully appreciate what I’ve just described to you here, which is exactly why I described it to you in the first place. Instead, you’re going to have to look elsewhere in this video if you want to be at all entertained. Like maybe near the beginning of the interview where Angelina denies being pregnant before nonchalantly adding that she’s on the pill. The look of “too much information” coupled with a dash of “The pill? What’s that? I’m too old to remember.” on Diane Sawyer’s face is priceless.

Or perhaps you’ll get a good laugh over her adoption plans or the way she fawns over Brad Pitt like he’s fucking Albert Schweitzer or Mike Brady. I have to admit that I almost chocked on my bacon during those bits and I’ve been known to chew my food particularly well too.

Or maybe, just maybe, this video won’t entertain you at all. Maybe it will just fill you with an undying curiosity about what would happen if they adopted a poor little boy from Germany. Would they both come home from work one day to find the rest of the children dead in the oven? Or would those three children rise up against him and bury him out back next to the Romanian child who, as it turns out, wasn’t really a vampire?

Man, if only I was rich enough to play “adopt-a-culture” too. With children as pawns, I could easily re-enact all my favorite wars right in my own living room. Although now that I think about it, I don’t think there’s enough children in all of England to do that. And you know me, it’s all about being authentic.