I hate you all. Seriously, die already so I can open up all your gifts.

Editor’s Note: Well, apparently, James Brown was down with that idea. He died earlier this morning at the age of 73.

Hey James, thanks for making my Christmas a little bit brighter this year, man. I’ll be sure to think of you when I’m opening up your ten kilos of marijuana under the tree this morning. And just to show you that I’m not all about the taking, I’m going to swing by your ex-wife’s house tonight and pop her in the face for you.

Ah, the spirit of giving. It’s just so intoxicating – kind of like beer and my dreamy blue eyes, only without all that messy vomit and regret.

If Nicole Richie is a hippie and I hate all hippies, which of the following is true:

A. I hate Nicole Richie
B. Nicole Richie hates me
C. Nicole Richie is an anorexic skank who deserves her fame as much as I deserve to be named the kindest man in America. [Hollywood Snark]

Evangeline Lilly’s so hot, she accidentally burned her own house down. Or at least that’s what I told the cops when they stopped me on my way to get gas for the lawn mower. [Hollywood Backwash]

With childbearing hips like those, Mischa Barton should only have as many children as possible. That is if she can find someone willing enough to impregnate her fug ass. [The Skinny Website]

Joely Richardson will be returning to “Nip/Tuck” next season. I think this calls for a celebration. Break out the paper bags! [Tabloid Whore]

Hopefully, the next thing Paris Hilton writes is a suicide note. [Holly Scoop]

Damn! Once again, I’ve failed to make it onto Star’s list of the most annoying people of 2006. [Popbytes]

Donald Trump lays into Rose O’Donnell like he’s the most popular bitch on the squad. [The Evil Beet]

And finally, Rosie O’Donnell’s response to Donald Trump’s response on “The View” this morning…

If Britney Spears had any real friends, they’d all chip in and get her a swift push down the stairs for Christmas this year. Or maybe a good ol’ fashioned late-night stabbing at the hand of the always available O.J. Simpson. It really doesn’t matter which as long as she’s no longer allowed to make any more decisions about anything ever again.

So there I was, enjoying a nice bacon Eggo waffle sandwich in front of the television this morning, when what do I see? Angelina Jolie on “Good Morning America” with enough lip gloss on to fill all of Lake Erie.

Seriously, I don’t even know why the cameraman kept cutting back to Diane Sawyer since I could clearly see her ugly mug in the reflection off Angelina’s lips. In fact, if Diane Sawyer was wearing glasses, the two of them would have no doubt created some kind of infinite reflection thing that would have not only made my head hurt, but my pants wet as well.

Now unfortunately, given the poor resolution of this video, it’s almost impossible to fully appreciate what I’ve just described to you here, which is exactly why I described it to you in the first place. Instead, you’re going to have to look elsewhere in this video if you want to be at all entertained. Like maybe near the beginning of the interview where Angelina denies being pregnant before nonchalantly adding that she’s on the pill. The look of “too much information” coupled with a dash of “The pill? What’s that? I’m too old to remember.” on Diane Sawyer’s face is priceless.

Or perhaps you’ll get a good laugh over her adoption plans or the way she fawns over Brad Pitt like he’s fucking Albert Schweitzer or Mike Brady. I have to admit that I almost chocked on my bacon during those bits and I’ve been known to chew my food particularly well too.

Or maybe, just maybe, this video won’t entertain you at all. Maybe it will just fill you with an undying curiosity about what would happen if they adopted a poor little boy from Germany. Would they both come home from work one day to find the rest of the children dead in the oven? Or would those three children rise up against him and bury him out back next to the Romanian child who, as it turns out, wasn’t really a vampire?

Man, if only I was rich enough to play “adopt-a-culture” too. With children as pawns, I could easily re-enact all my favorite wars right in my own living room. Although now that I think about it, I don’t think there’s enough children in all of England to do that. And you know me, it’s all about being authentic.

Ok, I think it’s time we all went ahead and basically forgot everything I’ve ever written about Jessica Biel, especially all that stuff about me wanting to marry her. Because I fear if that ever happened, one of us would be dead by fork within the first year.

I say this because apparently – as last night’s interview with Jimmy Kimmel has shown us – Jessica Biel is never more boring than when she’s talking to or engaged in a conversation with a man whose only goal is to bang her silly. And since I would suspect that most of our conversations would occur over dinner, there is very little doubt that I would eventually stab one of us to death with a fork, just to relieve the suffering caused by her incessant droning.

Now whether that fork would be going into her eye or mine is really anybody’s guess, but I am fairly certain of one thing. I won’t be using my salad fork. Too dull. Like this blog. So yeah, it would probably be mine then.

Editor’s Note: I know. Between this post and Monday’s post about going blind, it appears I’ve got some kind of Oedipus Rex fetish going on. But hey, what can I say? I love dinosaurs.