Wow, I haven’t seen girl-on-girl action this hot since I walked in on my grandmother and “Aunt” Betty making out over the New Year’s Eve cheese platter back in ’89.

Thanks for helping me relive that memory, Lindsay. From here on out, I’ll be sure to refer to you as just an attention-seeking cunt instead of a smelly, conniving, attention-seeking cunt. After all, if anyone out there deserves to be criticized by a kinder and gentler me, it’s you, my obscenely freckled friend. It’s you.

Editor’s Note: Unless Lindsay Lohan dies of autoerotic asphyxiation on a washer somewhere in Mexico [or possibly murders Paris Hilton in a coke-filled rage], I will no longer be posting anything more about her for the rest of the year. She is so dangerously over-exposed at the moment that I swear society as a whole may crumble because of it.

Therefore – for the next 42 days – this blog will be a Lindsay Lohan-free zone. Tell all your friends. Unless, of course, your friends include Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson, then you can just tell them to “piss off and die” because I’ll be avoiding those bitches as well.

Viva La Stroheim!