According to sources obviously trying to piss me off, actress Jessica Biel was seen laughing and giggling with Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter Tuesday night as the two of them huddled together in the corner of Hyde, a Los Angles hotspot.

From Page Six:

At one point, Jessica, voted Esquire’s “sexiest woman alive” in 2005, went to the restroom and three girls quickly scurried over to chat with Jeter. But as soon as Biel returned, he put all his attention on her. The two left together. A Biel rep didn’t return calls.

I really hope Derek Jeter stops by this blog today and reads this headline. Maybe then he’ll know who he’s dealing with and back down in his pursuit of Jessica Biel before it’s too late. She is my future wife after all and – like my daddy always said - you really shouldn’t be messing around with stuff that isn’t yours.

And while Derek Jeter may be a professional athlete who could easily kick my ass, years of television watching has taught me that the only thing more threatening than a black man in New York City is an Italian man in New York City so…

…from-a hear-a on-a out-a, I’m-a an Italian. You-a hear-a me, you-a bastard. I’m-a gonna get you if I have to sell-a everything-a I gotta. That-a includes both-a my monkey and my street organ and even-a my-a pasta spoon-a if-a necessary. Anything to-a pay-a for-a my voyage to the west side-a of America so-a I can-a kick-a your ass-a!

Editor’s Note: How do I know Jessica Biel is destined to become my wife? Well, the row of Care Bears on my bed told me so. And really, who am I to doubt them? They’ve got superpowers and can control the weather and stuff. Can you do that? I thought so. Oops, I mean, “I-a thought-a so-a.”