Now you would think…WOULD THINK…that Britney Spears would’ve had the sense to at least put on some kind of underwear for last night’s festivities given that both her nasty vagina and wonderfully bold C-section scar were plastered all over the internet yesterday. You would think that, now wouldn’t you? I know I would.

The problem though is that while you and I may actually have the ability to recognize our own mistakes – and then take measures to curb our own stupidity before making them again – Britney apparently does not and will always play by the stove no matter how many times that boiling pot of spaghetti dumps on her.

So with that being said, I’d like to officially declare Britney Spears both an enemy of the state and a menace to society. By doing this, I hope to raise awareness over the dangers of her constant vagina flashing and help keep our children safe. It is, after all, the children we should be most worried about the next time she exits a car with no panties on – especially the two-year-olds who share the same height with that of the average backseat.

Have you thought about what might happen if a two-year-old actually caught a glimpse of that vagina being flashed before them? I have and it makes me weep every time. Uncontrollably and like a girl too.

As many of you may remember, being two is a tricky time. You’re beginning to acclimate yourself to life outside the womb, but still can’t help but long for those easy days of floating around in warm, delicious embryonic fluid. For a toddler with little will power and Garrison Keillor-like reminiscing, seeing a vagina flashed before him could be the breaking point and he could try to dive back in.

Now I’m no doctor, but I’d say that if some random two-year-old tried to claw his way into Britney Spears, he’d get no more than maybe his head in before losing consciousness and suffocating to death. Hell, even the spryest tot wouldn’t be able to manage too deep before strangling himself on the bracelet Paris Hilton lost from last night’s fisting.

So there you have it. No matter which way you cut it, the vagina of Britney Spears means death for children. Just like airbags and Rebecca Gayheart.

You’ve been warned.

You can see the attempt being made in the first picture: Paris Hilton actually trying to keep Britney Spears from flashing her vagina to the paparazzi – and thus, the world – by holding her legs together.

Unfortunately though, a steady diet full of coke and Cosmos is no match for a one rich in Cheetos and Mountain Dew, so Britney was able to easily pull her legs apart and make breakfast extra special for everyone reading this right now.

Personally, I am so dumbfounded by the train wreck that is Britney Spears that I honestly don’t even know what to say anymore. She’s like a retarded cousin who accidentally burned down the family restaurant and doesn’t understand why her new room is the box covered with chains in the basement.

So I guess the only thing left to say is…

GOOD GOD! I’VE JUST SEEN THE SCAR FROM BRITNEY’S C-SECTION TOO! I’M ENDING THIS FUCKING POST NOW BEFORE SOMEONE [RE: ME] GETS HURT!

Several sources inside London are once again reporting that actress Nicole Kidman is expecting a baby with husband Keith Urban and that an official statement regarding her pregnancy may be announced shortly.

From Mirror.co.uk:

A source said: “Miss Kidman certainly isn’t hiding the changes in her body now and seems to be very comfortable with them. Any woman seeing her now up close can’t help but notice she is a mum-to-be.”

“This time, though, she is taking it easy and just has gentler treatments more in keeping with her new condition.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m so excited over this news that I’m probably not going to be able to sleep until I get some kind of official confirmation that Nicole Kidman is indeed pregnant. Or is it possessed? Given her pigmentally-challenged complexion and her uncanny ability to scare the shit out of anyone by simply wandering a manor late at night, I’m going to assume that Nicole’s first biological child is going to be as white, if not whiter than, her and could be immediately defined by scientists at birth as a paranormal being – or, in the immortal words of that cartoon hippie and his painfully retarded dog, “a g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!”

Editor’s Note: If Nicole Kidman does indeed have a baby that white, she should definitely get Mel Gibson and Michael Richards to act as godparents. Although given their limited range, it may be too much of a stretch for them.

Editor’s Note Deus Ex Machina: Yeah, I know. Nicole Kidman does not look at all pregnant in these pictures and they were just taken last night. Well, hey, what the fuck do you want from me? I just report the news, not make it. Unlike you and your fondness for stray dogs and peanut butter.

Judging by her curiously placed thumb, I think it’s safe to assume that Britney Spears is trying to hide her wedding ring here so the audience doesn’t boo her into oblivion. It’s just too bad her other thumb wasn’t big enough to hide her fat ass.

Editor’s Note: Oh yeah, I went there.

Wow, this woman is positively amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so beautiful in all my life. Her body alone just boggles the mind. In fact, I’m actually shocked she’s allowed out in public like this and isn’t behind bars serving time for sexiness in the first degree or arousal with a deadly weapon.

Hell, the only thing that could make her more attractive right now would be if she was wrestling an alligator while chugging a pint of Guinness. That would be damn hot, especially in boots like those.

Editor’s Note: Carmen who? No, I’m talking about that gorgeous piece of ass on her left. The one in the background with her arms folded. Yeah, that one. Oh, so it all makes sense now, does it? Good. And congratulations on catching up by the way.

Hey, did you hear about the turn of the century yet? Yeah, it happened a couple of years back. Nah, nothing to spectacular happened, but I just thought you should know. No, no, no, you’re welcome, you’re welcome. I’m just glad I could help.