As someone who has just printed out a pretty authentic-looking doctorate of science, I believe I am now more than qualified to give you my expert opinion on why Elisha Cuthbert’s sweater and shoes appear to be much too big for her body here.

She’s shinking.

Now I know you’re probably not aware of what that means since you’re not a doctor like I am, but I ask you to please allow me to at least help you in understanding my diagnosis before brushing me off as another one of those tweed-wearing sissies with half of yesterday’s tuna salad sandwich still stuck in his beard.

According to the dictionary next to my printer, the term “shrink” means to become smaller or to decrease in size or weight. For example, my penis often shrinks after I step out of the shower or snort too much coke. In scientific circles, this is also known as “turtling” – a highly technical term you need not remember since I’m sure you’re still struggling to pronounce it even as you near the end of this sentence.

So there you have it – Elisha Cuthbert is shrinking or, as you have now learned, decreasing in size. The only thing you don’t know is why. Well, I think I can clear up that mystery for you too.

In my expert opinion, I believe poor Elisha is shrinking because she’s been playing in radioactive mud again. And by playing, I mean sleeping – which, in scientific circles, can also be defined as being “piss drunk”, “passed out”, or “Lindsay Lohaned”.

Editor’s Note: Apparently, printing out a doctorate of science – no matter how authentic looking – does not make you a doctor. It does, however, make you a perpetrator of fraud and a defendant in roughly a dozen or so civil cases involving defective rockets. See you in five to ten.

Hey you! Yeah, you! Stop your cheering.