“Malcolm in the Middle” star Justin Berfield was heard complaining over the weekend about the demands made by Svengali Joe Simpson in regards to his daughter Jessica and her role in the upcoming Berfield-produced film “Blonde Ambition”. Apparently, the demands have been so excessive that Jessica may actually be bounced from the film, leaving her with no other option than to go back to her career as someone who continuously parades around in front of paparazzi in poor wardrobe choices.

From Page Six:

A rep for Simpson said, “Well, Joe is a producer in the movie, too, so that would be weird.” A rep for Berfield said, “Yes, his company is producing the movie.”

Out of curiosity, I went over to IMDB and typed in “Blonde Ambition”. As expected, nothing came up. This, of course, leads me to believe that there’s something fishy going on here in the Rue Morgue.

If you think about it, Justin Berfield is like, what, twenty-years-old? Now I don’t know about you, but when I was 20, I wasn’t out there producing films and living it up in the $3.75 million dollar mansion I purchased from “Newlyweds” Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. Or was I? I guess only my bartenders and drug dealers could answer that question.

The way I see it, there’s really only one plausible explanation for all of this: Joe Simpson gave the house to Justin so Justin could help him run his colossal porn empire out of it. See? It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? The missing IMDB entry, the porn-like title, the mansion, the demands – it’s like a pornography conspiracy uncovered and I’m the fanatical right-wing zealot who brought them down, which also kind of explains why I fucking hate myself right now.

And just for the record, I totally agree with Joe. Jessica should definitely fuck two of her bosses in the office scene instead of just one. It’ll make her character look that much more ambitious.

Editor’s Note: Ok, now I remember. When I was 20, most of my time was spent scouring the university library for any information I could find on why it burns when I pee. Which, I guess, was a whole lot better than hanging out in my cramped dorm room all the time, threatening to call the INS on my foul-smelling roommate and his increasingly unfaithful Mexican whore-turned-girlfriend hiding out in the closet. Something I’m sure made me look like a real asshole at the time, but hey, you just can’t trust some people to wash themselves regularly without a little push.