In his upcoming autobiography to be released sometime next month, former reality star Jack Osbourne tells of a sordid life full of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and sister abuse that finally culminated one night in a half-assed suicide attempt involving some poorly prescribed anti-depressants and a bottle of absinthe.

Excerpts from “21 Years Gone“:

On his father Ozzy’s drug addiction:

I’d see my dad taking pills, and I would go to the shop and buy myself a box of Tic Tac mints. Then I would bring them home and swallow them down – just to be like him.

On his abuse of alcohol:

I WOULD drink nine or 10 tequilas, then just as many beers, and end up vomiting in the street. And I knew my mum would get a phone call from somebody who had seen it all happen.

On the fun he had abusing his sisters:

From the moment I became a teenager I started having trouble controlling my temper. I would have these incredible fits of rage. I’d trash my room and get into really nasty vicious fist fights with my sisters. I think the boiling-point for my parents came when I held a knife to Kelly’s throat.

On his poorly planned suicide attempt:

How I survived, I don’t know. Twelve hours later I woke up. I don’t remember if I felt relieved or upset that I was still alive, but as I looked at the remnants of my suicide attempt around me I suddenly felt very alone. The half-drunk bottle of absinthe and the bottles of pills seemed to stare back at me, daring me to try again. The loneliness and depression that had plagued me crashed over me once more, so I called the only person I could think of calling: my therapist.

Oh Jack, you poor thing, you have truly suffered the tortures of the damned. If I could hug you right now, I would; but only long enough to lull you into a false sense of security before splitting your eye open with a head butt and kicking you in the balls to show you what real pain and suffering is like.

Now I’m not going to pretend I know exactly what they taught you up at that fancy rich boy school of yours, but I would guess there was at least one lesson that dealt with how not to fuck up a golden opportunity like being born into a famous family with lots of money. Of course, knowing you, the lesson probably occurred while you were passed out in the lav with shit running down your leg so I guess I just answered my own question there. Which, if you think about it, is pretty impressive since I went to public schools and can barely deduce why my penis throws up white stuff when I pull on it.

It’s because I’m an android, right?

Editor’s Note: Don’t know what to go as for Halloween? Well, why not go as Jack Osbourne? Seriously. You can buy a Jack Osbourne costume at Amazon. Man, I honestly don’t know what to say anymore.