Canadian officials have criticized actor Sean Penn – from afar, no doubt – for breaking the country’s anti-smoking ban by lighting up during a press conference for his new film “All the King’s Men” at this year’s Toronto Film Festival. If charged, Penn could face a whopping $305 fine, which, ironically enough, is exactly how much his 1986 flop”Shanghai Surprise” pulled in at the box office.

Ba-Dum-Bum! [You'll never live it down, Sean.]

From Toronto Star:

Toronto’s public health unit is investigating the widely photographed puffing at the Sutton Place Hotel on Sunday. An inspector noticed the pictures splashed across the pages of Toronto newspapers.

“Charges are possible,” said Dr. David McKeown, the city’s chief medical officer of health. “This is an issue that we take seriously.”

Ontario’s health promotion minister suggested he won’t be disappointed if Penn’s pocket is pinched during his trip to promote All The King’s Men, in which he portrays a legendary Louisiana governor.

“No one is above the law, whether it’s Sean Penn or someone at the local tavern,” Jim Watson, who is in charge of implementing the new smoke-free law, said yesterday.

“I certainly hope the Toronto International Film Festival would remind, in a not-so-subtle fashion, that guests coming here shouldn’t simply go out and snub their nose at our laws.”

Penn openly smoked through two separate news conferences at the Sutton Place on Sunday afternoon without any comment from moderator Henri Behar or co-stars Kate Winslet, Mark Ruffalo and Patricia Clarkson.

Before I unleash the dogs of war and begin down my usual path of overly critical discourse, please allow me to make one thing perfectly clear. I love the socialist hippie state they call Canada. Growing up just south of its border, Canada had a huge influence on my life and I credit the caring and considerate man I am today on watching hours upon hours of culturally sensitive CTV programming on a station that had even more static than Anna Nicole’s memory.

So with that in mind, let me offer our neighbor to the north one very important piece of advice: let it go, eh? Because I guarantee you that if you approach Sean Penn – a man known for randomly punching people out for stealing his oxygen – and try to give him anything more than a bottle of scotch, he’ll wipe out your entire police force in one alcohol-fueled night and you’ll all wake up the next morning under the rule of his nicotine-stained hand. And is that something you really want? I didn’t think so.

Instead, I think your best course of action here is to just give him a complimentary backrub and send him on his way. You know, the same kind of punishment you dish out to terrorists intent on destroying the world. Not that I’m criticizing you, my dear Canada – I would never do that. After all, you guys gave us Pamela Anderson and a bunch of other people I can’t stand.

Ah, you know what, Canada? On second thought, go fuck yourself.