On the eve of the release of her first album, Paris Hilton has revealed that she sometimes cries when listening to her music because it’s so god damn good.

From People:

“When I was little,” she tells Blender magazine for its September issue, she was forced to practice piano, violin and guitar “every day … since I was 11. My mom made me.”

All the practice seems to have paid off: Of her new album, she tells the magazine: “I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.”

Not only that, but as her single “Stars Are Blind” fucks its way to the top of Billboard’s dance music chart, Paris has been secretly urging DJs to play more of her tracks in clubs without revealing her as the artist.

More from People:

“People go crazy,” she says. “They love it. Everyone’s like, ‘Who is this?’ I don’t tell. Because I don’t want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it. I think when people don’t know it’s me, they won’t judge it. But if they know it’s me, then they’ll be like, ‘Ugh.’ They won’t even dance.”

Reading these quotes from Paris Hilton is like watching someone slowly emerge from a coma.

One moment, she’s all crying and stuff over her seemingly profound musical talent – similar to a coma stage I like to call “dreaming of warm Acapulco waters, but in reality just lying in a puddle of your own piss” – and the next, she’s sneaking into DJ booths and realizing that maybe she should have released her collection of “songs to suck cock by” under an assumed name like Copenhagen Marriot or Budapest Motel 6.

I can only hope that one day Paris will completely wake up and realize that her only contribution to society thus far has been an outbreak of herpes in the greater Los Angeles area and making Lindsay Lohan cry. Maybe then she’ll finally go away and I can get back to writing about more important people like Ashlee Simpson and Fatty Arbuckle.

Watching Howie’s emotionally-charged eviction from the Big Brother house last night, I was reminded of my father and the one piece of advice he gave me before dying.

He said:

“Son, do you wanna know how you win a fight? Here’s how – they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way, and that’s how you get Capone! Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that?”

Now that I think about it, I believe I may have actually gotten that from the TV in the background. Or was it my smelly 8th grade guidance counselor? Ah, who cares. All I know is that it wasn’t my father because now I distinctly remember how he spit on me before saying:

“You suck and I hope to God you never breed. Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

Rot in hell, dad.

Look out, Jennifer Aniston! Shannen Doherty’s back and looking to reclaim her crown as Hollywood’s most humorless bitch. Her first stop? Hanging up on Newsweek’s Nicki Gostin during an interview to promote her new show on Oxygen called “Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty”.

The Newsweek interview – in its entirety:

Hi, Shannen, how are you?

Shannen Doherty: I’m good, thank you. I’m unpacking from New York. I can’t stand unpacking.

Can’t you get your maid to do it?

No! I’m a normal person. My housekeeper has better things to do.

Tell me about your new show.

I help relationships come to an end or sometimes help them go to the next level. It can be boyfriend or girlfriend, or if you want to quit your job.

Haven’t you had some bad breakups? You tried to run over a boyfriend a long time ago, right?

No, and if that’s the way you’re going with this then I’d rather not even do the interview.

I just think it’s funny.

I am not going to have things rehashed from 15 years ago. I’m not going to combat lies. I can already tell what’s going to be in your article.

But—

Let me hang up and call my publicist and then we’ll reconvene, because I’m not going down this path.

—CLICK *

Needless to say, Shannen Doherty did not call back. Probably because she was either too drunk to find the phone or too busy measuring the space between her two front teeth. I swear Rommel himself could lead an entire Panzer division through a gap like that and still have plenty of room to run truckloads full of decorative beer steins two abreast.

What sort of celebrity goes around with teeth like that? I thought all celebrities were supposed to have perfect teeth, like it was some kind of law or something. Way to ruin the illusion, Shannen. Your head should only end up as a frat boy’s keychain one day.

At first glance, I thought for sure I was looking at a picture of my mechanic and his twelve-year-old daughter posing for their annual X-mas card. They’re a wacky pair, those two. But then I thought – wait a minute, didn’t I just help the cops put that guy away last year by going undercover to bring down his ring of international carjackers. Yeah, I think I did. So who the hell else could it be then? Me maybe? After all, I have been known to drink until I can’t remember – especially when horse jockeys are involved.

Editor’s Note: After two minutes of extensive research, I have learned that the couple in question is actor Heath Ledger and his child bride, actress Michelle Williams.

Apparently, this photograph was taken so they could make it perfectly clear to all their fans that they don’t need their stinking money and that if they ever plan on going to see another one of their movies, they should just “fuck off” and go see something else.

So just make sure you remember that because they really don’t have the time to come over to your house and do the whole thing over again on your front lawn. They’re important actors, you know.

Madonna’s camel toe now has its very own My Space profile. I think I’m going to e-mail it for a date. [My Space via Best Week Ever]

Personally, I have absolutely no interest in any news surrounding Jennifer Aniston unless it involves her obituary or something. And even then, I’d probably only read it after exhausting the back labels of every last thing I had in my bathroom. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Justin Timberlake wants to fuck Taylor Hicks really bad. [The Green Straw]

Hurry children, blind yourselves with needles! Gwyenth Paltrow’s making a comeback. [Celebrity Nation]

Nip/Tuck starts its fourth season on Sept. 5. God, how I love to watch this show. Naked. [Popbytes]

Nicolette Sheridan looks pretty damn good for 63. [The Skinny Website aka Bevvie's Homepage]

Nicole Richie thinks she doesn’t have a disease. I beg to differ. The disease in question? Stupidity. [Tabloid Whore]

Lance Bass is well on his way to securing himself a trophy husband. [Dlisted]

One day, Jim Carey will rule all of Canada and Pamela Anderson will be his queen court jester. [Hotrag.net]

And who says I never gossip about myself…

This blog continues to suffer inexcusable downtime thanks to those cocksuckers over at Dreamhost. I can assure you, however, that everything should be back to normal by the end of the month since my blog and I are currently out shopping for a new host. If you happen to have any suggestions and/or recommendations, feel free to e-mail me or leave it in the comments section below. I have a whole man-purse full of cash and I’m not afraid to use it. [The Blog You Love To Hate]