Oh my, the Emmys. I can barely contain my excitement. That’s why I’m here two hours early and watching the red carpet arrivals on E!. With beer. Lots and lots of beer. And rope. Lots and lots of rope, but not too much since I only live on the second floor.

6:02 pm – Ok, I’ve only been listening to Ryan Seacrest’s voice for less than sixty seconds and I already want him dead.

6:04 pm – Here comes Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ryan addresses her as “Love”. That’s what her friends call her. How did he know that?

6:05 pm – I just realized that if Ryan was dead, “Love” could whisper to him. She needs to be taken out, asap.

6:10 pm – My internet connection just went out for approximately four minutes. Someone is trying to tell me something. Or trying to stop me from revealing something. Oh, and by the way, Ryan Seacrest was a fat kid.

6:28 pm – Why yes, I did enjoy my nap. Thanks for asking.

6:32 pm – I just looked into the eyes of Tyra Banks. Somebody hold me.

6:50 pm – Seacrest just referred to Tom Cruise’s baby as “it” and that butterface from “King of Queens” looked like she was going to strike him down with the power of Scientology – also known in some circles as “a wet willy”.

6:55 pm – These Doritos are stale. Yes, I am live-blogging my dinner now.

6:57 pm – Ryan Seacrest is the shortest man on television. Everyone is taller than him. I’d actually feel bad for him if he wasn’t so damn short.

7:01 pm – I’ve never heard Heidi Klum speak before. Yet another illusion ruined for me.

7:02 pm – Patrick Dempsey is married to a forty-five-year-old ironing board.

7:07 pm – Jenna Fischer has the posture of Boris Karloff. Now that’s what I call sexy.

7:09 pm – Ok, I’m leaving. Randy Jackson just invited me to a hot tub party.

7:11 pm – Ok, I’m back. Apparently, “hot tub party” is the new Hollywood slang for “stoning Mel Gibson”. Sorry guys, but I’m saving my arm for the “dinner party” aka “stoning of Paris Hilton”.

7:15 pm – Ok, I’m bored. Maybe I should post a screenshot of something interesting.

7:18 pm – Yes, I had to turn the channel to ABC to find something interesting.

7:22 pm – Congratulations, Ryan – you are taller than both Kyra Sedgwick and Jaime Pressley. I smell midget threesome.

7:32 pm – I wonder if people rub Simon Cowell’s chest instead of shaking his hand. That’s what I would do, but hey, I’m gay a really, really big fan of that show he’s on.

7:38 pm – I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many ugly actresses in one place before. And just as I write that, here comes Kathy Griffin. And Evangeline Lilly. Man, they just keep on getting uglier.

7:49 pm – I have an Emmy-induced headache. I’m going to take some Tylenol. I only hope it was tampered with.

7:53 pm – Nice to see Paula Abdul still slurring her words. At this point in her life, a stroke would provide a marked improvement over her current speech pattern.

7:57 pm – Making the switch to NBC from E! now. I hope something good is on. Like “The Office” or something.

7:59 pm – Damn! NBC has something called “the Emmies” on. Oh sorry, Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, I meant “the Emmys”.

8:10 pm – There’s something I should be doing right now. If only I could remember. Hey, I didn’t know it was 12:30 already.

8:14 pm – You know what was funny? When Letterman used to make fun of NBC like 20 years ago. Oh Conan, you are so cutting edge.

8:16 pm – Winner of Supporting Actress in a Comedy – Megan Mullally from “Will & Grace” – I have no idea who this person is which leads me to the question: Why the hell am I watching the Emmies Emmys?

8:19 pm – Winner of Supporting Actor in a Drama – Alan Alda from “The West Wing” – Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to tell Alan he won when he swings by to pick up his pot.

8:26 pm – Winner of Supporting Actress in a Drama – Blythe Danner from “Huff” – Did you know that Blythe Danner is actually Gwyneth Paltrow’s great-grandmother? Yes, it’s true. Tell your friends.

8:31 pm – Winner of Supporting Actor in a Comedy – Jeremy Piven from “Entourage” – Well, he just kissed his Emmy and began to cry – proving once again that Emmys smell a lot like my ass.

8:37 pm – Winner of Supporting Actress in a Mini-Series – Kelly MacDonald from “The Girl in the Cafe” – The way I see it, there are two ways to spell her last name. And guess what? I spelled it wrong as soon as I heard it. I forgot the “a”. Well, Kelly, I went back and corrected my mistake. And in doing so, I was two seconds too late in saving the lives of the children burning alive in the orphanage across the street. I hope you’re happy, you dirty Irish bitch.

8:45 pm – Winner of Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series – The Daily Show with Jon Stewart – I don’t watch any of these shows, but I am sure they’re funnier than this god damn blog right now.

8:49 pm – Winner of Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series – Mark Buckland from “My Name Is Earl” – Hey, I actually watch this show. And yes, I should be pitied for doing so.

8:51 pm – Winner of Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series – Greg Garcia from “My Name is Earl” – That speech was a million times funnier than anything I’ve seen on the show, which means this guy must have jumped the real Greg Garcia in the parking garage.

8:55 pm – I keep forgetting to do screenshots. I promise to do them after the show or after I finish my 15th beer. Whichever comes first.

8:57 pm – Simon Cowell should only punch Dick Clark in the head when he comes on stage. Now that’s a “practical joke” I’d laugh at.

9:01 pm – Why does Dick Clark sound a lot like Paula Abdul?

9:10 pm – Winner of Outstanding Individual Performace in Variety or Music Program – Barry Manilow for “Singers Suffering From Botched Plastic Surgery Jobs”.

9:14 pm – This guest actor blah blah blah shit is starting to confuse me.

9:16 pm – Winner of Outstanding Directing in a Drama Series – Jon Casar for “24″ – presented, of course, with some of the worst direction of the night.

9:18 pm – Winner of Outstanding Writing in a Drama Series – Terence Winter for “The Sopranos” – This show has writers? I thought they just put cameras outside the Vatican and cut it all together later.

9:24 pm – Conan O’Brien told me to surf for porn right now. See ya later. Or never.

9:25 pm – Winner of Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries – Jeremy Irons for “Elizabeth I” – I think I am going to pause it here and count the lines on Jeremy Irons face. If I miss a few of the awards, I’ll just consider myself luckier than you.

9:36 pm – 142

9:40 pm – By the time he’s fifty, the circles under Matthew Perry’s eyes will be approximately one mile deep and produce one hell of an echo.

9:57 pm – C’mon Farrah, can’t you hear those voices? Those bitches next to you want you dead and buried. You better strike first and pull Kate Jackson’s head off. Her blood will give you the strength you need to get Lee Majors back.

10:04 pm – New Scorses pic coming. Highlight of my night.

10:06 pm – Doritos more stale than ever now. Maybe I should shower with them.

10:06 pm – I wonder who has more scorned ex-lovers – James Woods or Eva Longoria?

10:09 pm – Winner of Outstanding Reality Series – “The Amazing Race” – well, it appears the secret is officially out. I saw nothing but white people on that stage.

10:16 pm – If Bob Newhart dies, I’m coming for you, O’Brien.

10:21 pm – Winner of Outstanding Miniseries – “Elizabeth I” – ah, who bloody cares? Hey, look I’m bleeding English. Owww, my teeth.

10:23 pm – Dead man montage

10:35 pm – Winner of Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series – Mariska Hargitay from “Law & Order: SVU” – let it be said that if you watch any of the “Law & Order” shows, I hate you and wish you a long false imprisonment.

10:39 pm – So close to the end, I can taste it.

10:40 pm – Could someone check on Bob Newhart please?

10:41 pm – Winner of Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series – Julia Louis Dreyfuss – can someone tell me where the hyphen in her name goes? Yeah, like I care, Ju-lia-Loui-s-Drey-fuss – take that.

10:44 pm – Oh shit, you all better behave yourselves. Ray Liotta’s in the house.

10:45 pm – Winner of Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series – Kiefer Sutherland from “24″

10:52 pm – Bob Newhart Lives!

10:53 pm – Winner of Outstanding Comedy Series – “The Office” – I’m cool with that since it’s the only one I actually watch. And you should too. Or I will hurt you. Man, I’m just full of threats today, aren’t I? That’s what happens when I miss breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day, you know.

10:56 pm – And finally, my prediction for Winner of Outstanding Drama Series is “24″. Prove me wrong, Emmy voters, prove me wrong.

10:57 pm – It’s over. I think. Regardless, I wish I was dead. Unless being dead means I have to spend time with Jennifer Love Hewitt, then no, I hope I live forever.