Cyclist Lance Armstrong and his rootin’ tootin’ cowboy buddy Matthew McConaughey were spotted in Miami Beach last week, stumbling from club to club with – as one snitch put it – “a group of really skanky women”.

No word yet on whether said group included Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith, Jake Gyllenhaal in drag, or my whore of an ex-wife, but I’d bet my last ounce of heroin on it.

From Page Six:

Another snitch claims it was Armstrong’s wandering eye that led to his split with Sheryl Crow: “He’s not the prince on the yellow bike that he tries to portray himself as.”

Special Note to Snitch #1: Describing a group of women as “skanky” is not cool and just goes to show us that you’re probably a fat, ugly woman with no prospects or a dull, catty gay man yearning to be a fat, ugly woman with no prospects. Either way, you need to put down the chicken, put on the make-up, and hit the gym. Projecting your own self-hatred onto others by calling them names is no way to live a life and you should really be ashamed of yourself, you fat piece of shit.

In fact, right now, because I’m so god damn embarrassed for you, I’m actually thinking of changing your mean-spirited description to something a little more appropriate like “a group of women willing to do anything for the celebrity cock” or simply “the Pussy Mafia”. This way when Lance and Matt finally find you, they’ll at least give you some points for originality before kicking your ass. And really, you can’t ask for anything more than that, especially since what you really saw was just another joyous family reunion filled with mothers and sisters, you nearsighted cunt.