[Rebecca Gayheart - TCA Press Tour / July 24, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Look everybody, it’s actress Rebecca Gayheart. You know, the woman who was actually stupid enough to fuck director Brett Ratner before he was famous. And look, she’s smiling and having a good time too. How nice for her.

But do you know who’s probably not smiling and having a good time right now? That 14-year-old boy she ran over with her car. You know, back in 2001. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant 9-year-old boy. I forgot that little boys don’t grow older when they’re dead.

Time to stick your head back in the sand, you dumb impatient ostrich-looking bitch.

[Mariah Carey - El Manzeh Olympic Stadium in Tuni / July 22, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

God, I think I can smell her from here.

[Christina Aguilera - Seventeen / September 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Truth be told, I could pass Christina Aguilera on the street and have absolutely no idea who she is. That’s how interesting I find her. Wait a minute, you know what? I think I did actually pass her on the street once before because I remember thinking “Twenty bucks to have sex with a blow up doll that won’t shut up? Who the fuck would want to do that?”. Well, as I later learned after sneaking into the confessional, apparently my wife.

[Natalie Portman - Vogue Australia / August 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

After viewing these pictures with my pants securely buckled and a blindfold over my penis, I have concluded that Natalie Portman is, in fact, my paperboy and that from now on, I’m cutting that little shit’s tip in half.

On the plus side though, he’ll still be welcome to come in and try on my dead wife’s clothes – but only as long as he does the voice.

[Natalie Portman - Attacking Paparazzi / July 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Yeah, so apparently Natalie Portman got all pissed off at the paparazzi in Buenos Aires the other night and thought it would be a good idea to grope them to death before eating their brains.